Christmas with Brayden

I wish I could fully encapsulate watching Brayden grow up everyday into a succinct set of words that would describe everything about parenting. I don't think I can! It's amazing to watch him learn and literally grow overnight in so many ways. His curiosity and appetite is huge right now. I love watching him learn about everything in life.  

I feel like a true parent now because I got my first art project and Christmas gift from Brayden when he came out of the church nursery the other day: 

So special!

Erik and I are seeing Christmas in a whole new light this year watching it through Brayden's eyes and trying to give him all the beautiful Christmas experiences we can -- and pictures, since he won't remember the experiences!

For example, I was very excited when I realized that we could get a picture of Brayden on Santa's lap this year. What fun! We had a special night set aside to go... but with the way circumstances went, we couldn't get there as early as we had planned. In fact, we got there 5-10 minutes before Santa "closed" for the night. Ahhhh! I thought about giving up and doing it a different day or forgetting about the picture, but I couldn't do it. At that point, though, it was a little later in the evening and Brayden had fallen asleep on the way over to see Santa. I was so intent and excited about seeing Santa that I rushed him out of his car seat, barely gave him a chance to wake up, and rushed in to see Santa.

Now Brayden can be a pretty sensitive kiddo anyway, so for him to be rushed onto the lap of a man in a red suit with a red beard didn't sit with him well.

You probably know where this is going...

:-) 

:-( 

Okay I love this picture dearly because in the back of my head I kinda wondered if I'd get a crying picture. I feel bad, though, that I put Brayden through the sadness, especially knowing if I had given him a little more time to warm up to Santa, we might have coaxed out a smile.

Santa was kind enough to take one where he was a little more calm... and Brayden had a buffer between him and the man in the red suit. 

Well, we're still chalking up the Christmas memories. I'm excited to see him with presents and see if he'll tear the wrapping paper, play with the boxes, enjoy the toys... whatever he will do, it will be fabulously fun to watch it happen. :-) 

He's one month away from one year old. It's been a wonderful year. Love him so much!

the handprints of God on Brody's second birthday

Two years ago today, my precious firstborn son, Brody Mark Wegener was born. Brody-man, Bro, or our intended nickname based on his initials, Beamer.

I have had thoughts running through my head of what I wanted to say to commemorate this day, and I can't quite settle on anything. The most important thing is that this day is so much better with Brayden, his brother, in our arms. His smile and the joy he brings to our lives makes this day extra special... because as I've said before, we wouldn't have Brayden if Brody had been full-term. Crazy.

One day I want to write about the flashbacks you experience when you go through sudden tragedy. I was dealing with that a lot last week, and even started to blog about it, but I haven't quite been able to post it yet. Right now, flashbacks are the toughest - when you think back to the moments of pain and difficulty you went through. I'm doing okay with them overall, but it's still a tender topic, so I'll wait to write about that until I'm ready. :-)

Instead, I'll just say that even though God wasn't involved in Brody passing away so early, God's handprints were--and continue to be--all over our lives before, during, and after the tragedy. I don't understand that statement, but I do stand by the statement and fully recognize that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are much higher than our thoughts. We won't ever understand His ways... many times, they are disguised, often unrecognizable to man, and only visible through hindsight, if at all. We see the fruit of Him working, but how the fruit came about or the way it appears to have grown will often baffle man.

So that leaves us to trust. Trust in the unseen God and His unseen ways. Trust Him that He'll show you His handprints and remind you He's there right when you need encouragement. Trust that He'll surpass the unsurpassable, and suppress the unsuppressable. He'll supply what is needed, and take care of you when you hurt the most.

I don't get it, but I am grateful that He is by our side through everything.

I was super happy this morning when I walked by my plant--the one that my friends got for me when I was in the hospital having complications during my pregnancy with Brody, and just a few days before he was born. This plant has lived on for two years--that is a miracle in my house! The buds on it have come and gone, and most recently, they have been gone. But this morning, on Brody's birthday, I found this:

One bloom in honor of my little boy. :-)

Happy birthday, Brody! We love you and are excited to meet you and see your personality and what you look like and all the things that make you you. (Uncle Brian and Grandma Doria, and all our relatives up there, be sure to give Brody an extra big hug from us!) Thinking of you so much~

life's lime wedge

I've never been much of a soda drinker. I like soda/pop/Coke (whatever you prefer to call it) and will drink it on occasion, but generally, I'm a water drinker. Although, if I'm getting deep dish meaty pizza, that is often the perfect time for a nice cold glass of root beer.

I do know a lot of ladies at my church who love soda and drink soda, but they are very particular about their kind: Diet Coke with lime. (I'm picturing it with a lime wedge!) Not Coke. Not Pepsi. Not DC with lemon. Diet Coke with lime. Must be the particular taste the lime adds to the DC that makes it taste perfect. Since I know more than one person who has recommended that, I'm sure it tastes good! (I'm picturing it adds zest kinda like the lime you squirt onto Chipotle burritos - yum!)

Hungry yet? 

Well, that whole "lime wedge" thing came to mind in an interesting way today. I was getting ready for the day and lamenting how much I didn't feel like a Christian at the moment. To be honest, I've had a very up and down time since Brian and Brody passed about coming and spending time with the Lord. My individual time with Him has been scattered, because approaching Him one on one can be intimidating after you did so for so long and got such a strange result. 

I feel like my life has been redefined by Brian and Brody and I can't shake the feeling that I'm different because I lost these family members so early in life... and at times, I don't always know how to reconcile that with my relationship with God. (Some days are better than others!)

This morning, God reminded me that it isn't about what I feel. I might not feel like a Christian, but that's okay because it's not about me. God created me to be wholly me. My faults, my flaws, my family, my everything is who God made me to be. Even this off/on struggle with prayer is part of me. Granted there is an enemy in the world who is working to use me against me... if that makes any sense. But whether or not I feel like a Christian because I'm doing this or that doesn't change the fact that I am one. My beliefs about God and Jesus hasn't changed and my beliefs about who He is and what He has done for me hasn't changed. Sometimes my actions change because I make choices that aren't the best, but other days I make choices that are better. (Generally speaking, these are all choices that are relatively small, like did I read my Bible today or take too long working or not listen to enough worship music)

What has changed is my life. It's okay to be affected by death--there's no way around it. My family dynamic has forever been changed--both for good and for bad! Brian and Brody, of course, are the "bad" changes since they aren't here anymore, but Josh (Cristina's husband), Brayden, and Andrew are a few of the good changes. That, as I thought about it this morning, is my "lime wedge." My life was going along swimmingly and then I got this lime wedge handed to me. Tragedy. It stinks. I had a choice and I continue to have a choice on how this lime wedge of life will affect me. Will I suck on the lime wedge and have a stinky face because life is so sour? Will I let the lime wedge sit by glass of Coke and do nothing, perhaps in the hope that ignoring it will make the lime wedge disappear? Or will I squeeze the lime wedge into my Coke and let a new zingy flavor of my life unfold before me? 

I'm sitting here crying as I'm watching this words get typed out before me... this blog makes sense and is  encouraging me while just fifteen minutes ago I was thinking, "I'm a horrible Christian!" God uses everything for good. And it's not about what I feel. It's about what I know and walking that out and letting the feelings follow. 

As my pastor friend said during the whole time Brian was sick, God is faithful. That will never change. He is more faithful than the circumstances that we can validate naturally every day. God is more faithful than everything we see, and even though we can't see Him, we cling to that truth that He will always turn lime wedges into zests of life squeezed into our drink, if we dare to pick them up and embrace them as the flaws that make up our life. 

It's not about me. It's not about us. It's about God and Him using us to bring this world back to Him. 

(P.S. I did a quick image search for Coke with lime and apparently it's more than a lime wedge and a glass of Coke....)

nine and a half months

I love watching Brayden learn about this world. He's in this exploration stage where everything is just fascinating to him. The light goes on? Wow. The light goes off? Wow. He can push the light switch with his chubby hand (with help)? Do it again!

Just last night, Erik installed the cupboard locks because Brayden has spent time exploring the cupboards. This morning was funny watching him try to open the cupboard door as he usually did, but it would only go so far. He was like, What happened? It's not supposed to be this way!

I'm starting to gather stories on a regular basis of him problem solving life... like the bananas that he couldn't get off his high chair tray. I put them on a lid, in case that would help him be able to pick up the bananas--and it did, but not in the way I expected. He lifted the whole lid to his mouth and sucked the banana off. Love it!

We've already taken way more digital pictures that you'd ever dream of taking on film. My most recent "task" at home is going back and deleting blurry pictures or those videos you took when you didn't realize the video was on instead of the camera. I have to make room and then we'll save the good pics on CDs or something for the future! Yay!

I'm sure there's plenty more I could say... just a little update for now! I am grateful to God for my wonderful family! :-) 

Mr. Squirmy

Hi there!

I have thought about blogging many times over the past few weeks, but finding time away from my boys at a computer to sit and write about something not work-related isn't that easy! I guess it's just a little low on my priority scale... and that's okay!

Brayden is almost nine months old. Yes, these past nine months have been much cheerier and less stressful than the previous nine months where we were so cautious about life to ensure that Brayden could make it here safely!

He has had his bottom two teeth for a few months and his top two teeth have finally broken through (I feel like he has been "teething" them for months!). He is squirmy, squirmy, squirmy. I lay him down to change his diaper and he immediately rolls his weight to the side and sits up. Pretty funny, but hard to change him! I'm learning to dress him while he is sitting up/rolled over/moving and put his diaper on as fast as possible. Also, any time I smell #2 hiding inside his diaper, the new thing seems to be take him straight to the bath... because if he squirms away from me while he has a non-poopy diaper, that's not as big of a deal as if he squirms away with a naked, poopy bottom.

I know... that's descriptive, but I'm sure many (if not all) of you can relate in some way.

The autumn leaves are beautiful here. I love the colors! And there's this place near my house that has a pathway through the woods and it is all golden leaves. It's literally a sanctuary of gold that I love and try to visit during peak every year. This year, I walked through it with Brayden and Tucker toward the end of the work day and decided that Erik, Brayden, Tucker and I should have an impromptu photo session there right away. Erik got home not too long after that and we changed clothes and headed over there asap!

My hubby dabbles in photography so all the kudos goes to him for setting lighting and all that jazz. The lighting was a little difficult because it was in the woods and the sun was a little lower in the sky. But I'm very happy with the results. I love my family and these photos.

I love, love, love this place!

Mr. B....

... a.k.a. Mr. Squirmy.

The lovely framing job (okay, not so lovely) was compliments of me. :-) oops!

My family!

More Mr. Squirmy... watch the progression of the next few pics!

Love. :-)

three years.

It's been three years.

They are right. Time helps.

They are wrong. Time makes it worse.

In a sense, both of those statements are true. Time helps. I don't ache daily or weekly. I ache occasionally over missing my brother who passed away three years ago today. The ache, though, almost goes deeper as time passes. It's not as urgent or as often, but it's deeper as milestones pass and you miss them and wish they could be there to celebrate. Their laugh is farther removed from your memory, although always ingrained. Their smile is there, but you wish you remember it better.

His thirty years of life seemed young, but somewhat old when I was 28. Now that I'm 31 and Erik is 32, thirty seems oh so young. I can't fathom that I have lived on earth longer than my brother.

National Sibling Day was a week or so ago. I loved all the pics of siblings, but I missed my own.

I had the best time a few weeks ago though. Erik found a public crab apple tree and picked a bunch of apples for us to make homemade applesauce and apple juice, a tradition for both of our families. I even raided my mom's house when she was gone to get her apple masher thing. (She knew about it!) While we were making the applesauce, I watched the heated, mushy apples seep through the sides of the masher and memories came of me mushing it in my parent's house and Brian sitting at the counter and mom heating up more apples.... of Brian eating his applesauce cold and me eating mine hot... I looked at Erik and said, "This brings back such good memories of Brian" and then I smiled. I was so happy. He looked back and said, "Good."

Those are the kind of memories that are extra wonderful: You smile and feel like he's right there.

So three years. So much has happened. Dearest Brian, you are loved like crazy and missed like crazy. You are still thought about so often and we wish you were here with us. Although our family is amazing and doing well, it will never be quite the same without you in it. Your girls are beautiful and remind us of you and I was staring at Brayden once and I could just picture you too... somehow you live on in us... yeah, sounds super cliched and "new age-y" but it makes sense too.

You are loved and missed dearly.

Love, your sis.

Seven and a half months!

I'm loving watching Brayden grow!! He changes quickly and so much is happening in his little world as he figures this big world out. So fun to watch. He is a really good boy. For example, in the mornings, he wakes up and plays in his crib. I wake up only when he jabbers in his crib while playing. This morning, I woke to Erik's alarm, and thought Brayden might be sleeping, but I peeked inside and he was sitting up in his crib just hanging out. 

The big question now seems to be "Is he crawling?" Well, not yet. But he scoots, rolls, pulls himself up, walks around the edge of his little piano and a little table toy that he has. He's maybe not the most pumped about crawling, but we're working on it because Erik and I think it's important he learns how to crawl before walking. 

Last night I wrapped up two photo books from Shutterfly of family pictures. Here are a few.

Daddy and his little buddy... I love this one! And gotta love the camo jammies!

Brayden and Tucker

Daddy and Brayden watching fireworks.

Can you even see Brayden? All that camo...

This was our Easter pic from 2012. I love it!

My 92-year-old grandpa and Brayden. LOVE this pic... and kudos to my hubby for catching the moment!

Have a blessed day!