how to help a grieving friend, part 2

Nine years ago, I wrote down some ways you can help someone who is dealing with grief (click here to read!). I started thinking about it again recently because of some dear people who have passed way too soon into heaven and my friends are grieving their loss.

I also thought about it because someone sent me something that made me remember my brother, who passed away in 2009... which is why I wanted to write how to help a grieving friend, part 2.

Here's the story... in the stack of Christmas cards I got this year, I received one from a close girlfriend. It got shoved away in my desk, so I forgot to open it until yesterday. When I did, it wasn't the normal Christmas card I expected. It said, "A gift has been made to Samaritan's Purse in your honor." Now, Samaritan's Purse is an awesome organization that I am happy to support, but it wasn't until I opened the card that I was floored.

The inside read:

I immediately cried. I hadn't seen his name written out for years. It reminded me that he was more than just a family memory. He was a real person that I used to hug and live with and make memories with. It was such a moment to treasure to just reflect on him and love on him and know that someone across the world was getting blessed because of this gift in his honor and they knew his name. 

Whoa... it blessed me!

And I wanted you to know... if you want to help a grieving friend, do something out of the ordinary and in that person's honor like this. Surprise them weeks down the road, years down the road. Write down the anniversary on your calendar. Write down a note to do something for them in the future. Do something now to let them know that you remember and care about them. 

I vividly remember nine months after Brody passed that we got a card in the mail from someone just talking about him... and it came from someone who wasn't necessarily a close friend we talked to every day! That blessed me so much! So much love and outpouring comes immediately after something happens - and yes, that stuff sticks with you too - but there's something special about someone remembering when the world has moved on. 

So if you know someone who lost a friend last year or the year before that or years or decades ago... or even last week, send them a special note. If it was a recent loss, make a note of the anniversary and send them a gift next year and the year after. Do something out of the ordinary and unexpected to show you care... it will bless them! 

Brody, Brayden, Jase and.... ???

Thursday, we got to visit Santa early and got this little gem of a photo.

And.... yep! Another baby is on the way! We are super excited and have a wonderful sense of peace and contentment that I know only comes from God. And contrary to what the picture shows, both boys are really excited to become big brothers (again and for the first time).

I kinda think that is one reason that pushed us to having just one more - seeing the boys with their baby cousin made me long for them to have a playmate. Plus, during these past two years, if you ever asked, "Are you going to have any more kids?" I always hemmed and hawed. We were perfectly content with our little family of four, but something never felt finished.

Now we know why. It's the best feeling to know that this feels just perfect. Because yeah, three kids has a whole 'nother level of keeping up with the kiddos attached to it, but I like to think that we're as ready as we'll ever be and with God by our side, all things are possible. Plus, we know that every baby grows into a toddler, kid, and adult and doesn't need quite as much hands-on from us as the parents.

If you know anything about our story, you will also know that one reason we hesitated on another pregnancy is because today marks the six-year anniversary of our firstborn son, Brody Mark. He came at 21 weeks because my body couldn't hold him longer. I had a cerclage put in place for six months of the pregnancy with Brayden and Jase, and this little baby will be no different. That means I'll have weight lifting restrictions starting at the end of this month (okay, my mom is starting them now!) through 36 weeks (May?). I also have to be somewhat cautious on what I do. I did the least with Brayden because I was the most nervous. I did more with Jase and my body did great. I'll probably keep similar activity as I did with Jase, since my body held up well. So if you see me sitting down during praise and worship in church or something like that, I'm just trying to be cautious about my body so it doesn't get overworked.

My kiddos are at an age where they are excited about the baby, able to do much on their own, and great helpers for mommy and baby. I will try to be very good about asking for help when needed and gauging what me and my family need... not easy, but I've learned that asking for help is vital.

Anyhoo, that's my story. Today we think ahead to baby #4 with excitement and we honor and remember our littlest, biggest buddy Brody. You mean the world to us, Kiddo. Hugs and love from me and the fam. We'll have a sweet treat in your honor and celebrate you today.

Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement and support that you have given to my family during all that we have been through and all that we will be through. I know having a little kiddo here next year is worth all the effort.

happy birthday to my littlest!

Happy birthday, Brody!

You're my oldest, yet my littlest... but I am pretty sure, you're only little in my memory. You're much bigger, I imagine. Maybe you're already an adult in heaven or maybe you're growing up in heaven and today you're celebrating your four-year-old birthday! I don't know, but I like imagining what life is like for you up there as we remember meeting you four years ago.

I have been looking forward to today with excitement because it's a chance to celebrate and remember you all day long. Then last night, I got choked up remembering, which I knew would happen,... and I think all that is healthy. You're my baby and I love remembering you, but I do wish you were here... but then I know that Brayden may not be here due to logistics if you were here... so crazy how that works out. God has helped us remain content with loving you up in heaven and providing two new brothers down here on earth. I'm content that you're mine and Erik's, no matter what.

I have a box of your things and a box of cards people sent to us when you went home with Jesus. I wanted to share some of that with these people who are reading about you....

First, you were only a little less than a pound and a little less than a foot when you were born at 21 weeks. Your card and your footprints are below. You were perfectly formed and have everything right about you. You lived outside of me for a little less than an hour. You were perfectly formed and it was amazing to see that you were a perfect human being, every part in place, just tinier than everyone else.

Here is your bib that my cousin, Summer, made for you. I love it because it's personalized. That is your hat from the hospital, which fit your head perfectly. You had a little knit wrap to match. A big thank you to the people who made and donated those clothes to the hospital.

One of the biggest lessons you showed me and I will share again and again to the world is that you were fully formed and a beautiful baby at such a young age. You were just a few weeks shy of when that hospital would put you in the NICU. Although I sometimes have mixed feelings about being so close to having you survive, it's okay now. You're in an amazing place with Jesus and God has blessed us abundantly with your brothers. ... and I'm SUPER excited to be reunited with you and have your brothers meet you!

So today, we remember and celebrate your beautiful life. You've taught us so much and we've learned about trusting God through everything... and are still working on it quite a lot.

Love you so much and I am so excited to meet you, see who you look like, get to know your personality, and spend eternity worshipping Jesus with you! Happy birthday!

P.S. I can't believe it is four years already!

Love, Mommy
:-)

32 weeks and counting

Yay! 32 weeks and counting! So grateful to be this far in the pregnancy and to have had it go so much better than the previous ones. I'm definitely approaching it with less fear than last time solely because I have an image in my head of me making it through and delivering a healthy baby! I didn't have that last time, and I think I did a good job of doing the best I could to not worry through it, just having an image of good in my head helped tremendously! It says a lot about the importance of our imagination, that's for sure.

Here my 32 weeks pic...

One thing I remember looking at all the pics while pregnant with Brayden, I wished I had a front view of my belly too. It's perhaps not as flattering as the side view where you can measure how much you stick out, but it definitely shows Babycakes is in there!

To my dearest, littlest Babycakes, 

I am so excited to meet you! You have a fabulous family (at least I think so!), and we are excited to meet you and for Brayden to play with you, his little brother or sister. I'm thrilled about not knowing which you are. I love guessing until the last second. 

We have a couple months left to go until we get to meet you. I'm thinking you'll come in a month and a half... but just because I said that, I am also prepared for you to come in 2 months or more, lol! I've learned babies just do their own thing at times! 

Tomorrow is a special day: Thanksgiving. This year, I am thankful for your Daddy; your big brother, Brody; your other big brother, who you'll meet right away, Brayden; and you! I'm super excited to see your personality and how you blend into our family. Oh and I can't forget what will become your potentially favorite thing on earth: we have a puppy. His name is Tucker, and your brother, Brayden, adores him. You're going to have a blast with him and laugh at him probably more than you will ever laugh at me and Daddy. He's a giant - yet alive! - stuffed animal. 

Anyhoo, we're off to celebrate soon with family. 

All my love, 

Mommy

celebrating brody

So tonight I wanted to do something special as we celebrated and remembered Brody. We didn't make it out to Brody's grave, but will soon. Instead we laid low at home.

Since it's his birthday, I wanted to at have a sweet treat to celebrate. I had been pondering it for a few days - something simple but kinda fun to be a birthday cake for him. We have Halloween candy from our party at church and a bunch of them are laffy taffy. Since those candies are so hard, I decided not to ruin my teeth eating them or let Brayden or Erik either. Instead, I wanted to do my own Chopped dessert and find a recipe where I could melt the candy. (On the chopped TV show, they melt candy often and use it in recipes. I felt the need to try that myself!)

So I found a recipe for laffy taffy frosting that I could put on the leftover whoopie pies we had in the freezer from Erik's birthday.

It started out well and grand.... I got my laffy taffys out and pulled out ten cherry ones.

I threw them in a pot with some butter and milk and found out that, yes, candy can really melt down into beautiful liquid:

I started blending it with my handheld mixer. Brayden was intrigued by the noise. I was making decent progress whipping up the butter until I heard a strange noise and suddenly found butter on my shirt... and on the wall, the microwave, the knives in the knife block, all over the powdered sugar bag... and even on Erik's jacket hanging on a chair in the next room. 

Seriously... what happened? I was baffled until I saw this: 

Notice the beautifully misplaced whisk thingy? Yeah, that wasn't super great! 

Here's a sideways glimpse of the frosting and a bit of the mess... 

Now I can't say it turned out exactly as I pictured. Well, it kinda did. The cherry frosting was decent, but then I realized that adding a little bit of almond extract would make it extra amazing, since we've always enjoyed almond buttercream and cherry almond is a good combination. 

So I went for it and went to the fridge, pulled out the small extract bottle, looked at the peppermint extract bottle and thought, that seems a little off, but mostly right, put a bunch in the frosting, and then it dawned on me. Nothing about the beautiful peppermint extract carried the flavor of the almond extract my head was planning on. Total pregnancy brain moment! It definitely over flavored the frosting to be minty... but it wasn't bad enough to not eat it. 

So I grabbed two thawed chocolate whoopie pies, dolloped a bunch of frosting on each (chocolate peppermint is great, right?), added some mini chocolate chips for good measure, and then brought it over to my boys. We sat down, sang happy birthday to Brody, and enjoyed our little treat. Happy moments and happy memories and dreams of being with our little one again. 

And yes, here's the proof it must have tasted decent enough.... :-) 

happiest third birthday to my firstborn!

Today, I'm thinking of my little mister, Brody Mark Wegener. He was born 11-20-10, weighed a little less than a pound, was a little less than a foot long, and lived for a little less than an hour. He was such a trooper because he stayed in my tummy with minimal amniotic fluid for over five days. He's a fighter!

We had a beautiful funeral for him about a month after he was born; it was long enough after so I had enough time to physically recover and our family could be together. It brought nice closure to a short life that had such an impact on me and my family and who knows who else.

Sometimes I forget how much it hurts to have lost a family member... and yes, I highly dislike that I lost two of them within a little over a year (my brother and my son). Each of their legacies live on in unique ways... and every once in a while, it's good to sit down and just have a good cry that they aren't there any more and that you just miss them and want them back.

I can't explain the odd feelings I have that Brayden, although he thinks he's the oldest kid and certainly acts like the only kid because he is the only kid we're taking care of, my heart knows he's my middle child. It's so strange because it's this intangible feeling that he's not my oldest. Brody is. Like I mentioned when I said we were pregnant with our third, I am reminding myself that Brayden has no understanding about him not really being the oldest or the only kid, so his behavior will be oldest/only kid. But he will most definitely grow up knowing about his big brother in heaven.

I'm really grateful for this odd feeling though... this constant, subconscious remembrance of Brody. My guess is a lot of parents, including my own, feel that same way if they lose a child. No one else may know or everyone might know that you've lost someone, but you know, and that knowing is something you hold dear to you. They are forever a part of your heart and life.

Thanks to his grandma, Brayden has a few different books (he loves books!) on becoming a big brother and I think he has a pretty good 22-month-old grasp on the subject. I really think he'll do great once the next little miss or mister comes along in January.

Erik and I have had occasional questions from people - and we've asked ourselves these questions as well - will this be our last kid? And that's a fabulous question. I really like the idea of three kids, but I'm not sure how that will look in the future. Going through another pregnancy with light activity is rather intimidating, but the reward is great... Then we have always talked about adoption. I have no idea what the future holds, but I really like the fact that it doesn't matter what the future holds, I already have three kids. One just happens to be extremely easy to take care of... although, Brody, just so you know, I wish I were the one planning your birthday party. I do know you're in good hands.

All my love, Daddy's love, Brayden's love, and baby's love... happy birthday, Brody Mark Wegener! We love you and miss you dearly and are super excited to be reunited in heaven with you soon!

number three is on the way!

It's crazy to believe I'm in the middle of my third pregnancy! Baby number three is coming January 20, 2014. Yippeee!!! We are absolutely thrilled.

For those of you who don't know, we only have one baby here on earth (Brayden), but we have one (our first) hanging out in heaven (Brody) So by the natural eye, it's baby number two, but really, it's baby number three. And when I still look at Brayden, he's not my oldest. He's my middle child. :-) I like feeling that because that means Brody hasn't left my heart, but will always be a part of the family. I do have to sometimes remember, though, that for all Brayden knows and acts like right now, he is an only child! We've told him about Brody and baby 3, but that doesn't change that he's used to all the attention!

It's kinda fun... Brayden was due on January 23 and Baby 3 is due January 20. That means they'll be pretty much exactly two years apart. Brayden came on January 11... we'll see when Baby 3 makes his/her appearance. Could be the exact same day! Wouldn't that be crazy! 

This time around, I think we are going to wait to find out if we're having a boy or girl. We desperately wanted a boy as our oldest, and we got doubly blessed with our two boys... but as to another boy or girl, I don't know that we have a preference, so why not wait for the surprise? Fun! 

Now, because of what happened with Brody (you can read that story here), the day after the 4th, I had the same procedure (cerclage) done I did with Brayden. Basically, baby got stitched in to help him/her stay put until January. That means I will be on "light activity/bedrest" through January. Why? The reason Brody came early was the pressure he put on my cervix and my cervix couldn't handle it. The stitch helps, but the less pressure I put on it with activity (and the growing baby) the better for keeping baby safe and snug inside. 

Last time we weren't one hundred percent sure I'd need the surgery, so it snuck up on us and we also had a lot of bad memories associated with pregnancy ending badly. This time, we were prepared in advance for knowing I'd be out of commission for doing much plus we have a picture of the reward we will have in our arms when this journey is through! We also hired a nanny who will help with Brayden throughout the week, and Erik and my family and friends will all be pitching in to help cover other times. (I can't lift Brayden at all... bummer!) I've also been able to mentally prepared with making the most of my pre-surgery time. All of this is verrrry good, even though a little intimidating to have six months of low activity staring you in the face! 

There's a good chance I'll be blogging more since I'll be hanging out on the sofa much, so you'll probably be hearing from me more often as I journey through this... and then once baby comes, I probably won't be on here as much! Funny how that works....

Now a side note... I've had a few questions (and have asked them myself) about if I would have to go through bedrest again... and I've thought, "Couldn't I pray and believe God for healing and a different path this time?" Yes, I certainly could, but a couple factors play into our decision to go ahead with the same path as last time. First, I would have to beg and plead and have an extremely good reason to decline surgery for my doctor to approve it... and I still don't think she would! She wants us to have a healthy baby too! The cerclage helps make that possible. Second, I know that prayers for healing need to have faith behind it... and not that I couldn't have faith, but as a hormonal, pregnant mom who has lost her first son through pregnancy just by being pregnant and living life... it's not a "faith battle" that I want to fight on a daily basis. I'd rather have the proactive safety of my doctor's help through surgery and laying low. And I'm okay with that!

So there's my story! Another chapter is being written, and we are excited for the future.

the handprints of God on Brody's second birthday

Two years ago today, my precious firstborn son, Brody Mark Wegener was born. Brody-man, Bro, or our intended nickname based on his initials, Beamer.

I have had thoughts running through my head of what I wanted to say to commemorate this day, and I can't quite settle on anything. The most important thing is that this day is so much better with Brayden, his brother, in our arms. His smile and the joy he brings to our lives makes this day extra special... because as I've said before, we wouldn't have Brayden if Brody had been full-term. Crazy.

One day I want to write about the flashbacks you experience when you go through sudden tragedy. I was dealing with that a lot last week, and even started to blog about it, but I haven't quite been able to post it yet. Right now, flashbacks are the toughest - when you think back to the moments of pain and difficulty you went through. I'm doing okay with them overall, but it's still a tender topic, so I'll wait to write about that until I'm ready. :-)

Instead, I'll just say that even though God wasn't involved in Brody passing away so early, God's handprints were--and continue to be--all over our lives before, during, and after the tragedy. I don't understand that statement, but I do stand by the statement and fully recognize that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are much higher than our thoughts. We won't ever understand His ways... many times, they are disguised, often unrecognizable to man, and only visible through hindsight, if at all. We see the fruit of Him working, but how the fruit came about or the way it appears to have grown will often baffle man.

So that leaves us to trust. Trust in the unseen God and His unseen ways. Trust Him that He'll show you His handprints and remind you He's there right when you need encouragement. Trust that He'll surpass the unsurpassable, and suppress the unsuppressable. He'll supply what is needed, and take care of you when you hurt the most.

I don't get it, but I am grateful that He is by our side through everything.

I was super happy this morning when I walked by my plant--the one that my friends got for me when I was in the hospital having complications during my pregnancy with Brody, and just a few days before he was born. This plant has lived on for two years--that is a miracle in my house! The buds on it have come and gone, and most recently, they have been gone. But this morning, on Brody's birthday, I found this:

One bloom in honor of my little boy. :-)

Happy birthday, Brody! We love you and are excited to meet you and see your personality and what you look like and all the things that make you you. (Uncle Brian and Grandma Doria, and all our relatives up there, be sure to give Brody an extra big hug from us!) Thinking of you so much~

life's lime wedge

I've never been much of a soda drinker. I like soda/pop/Coke (whatever you prefer to call it) and will drink it on occasion, but generally, I'm a water drinker. Although, if I'm getting deep dish meaty pizza, that is often the perfect time for a nice cold glass of root beer.

I do know a lot of ladies at my church who love soda and drink soda, but they are very particular about their kind: Diet Coke with lime. (I'm picturing it with a lime wedge!) Not Coke. Not Pepsi. Not DC with lemon. Diet Coke with lime. Must be the particular taste the lime adds to the DC that makes it taste perfect. Since I know more than one person who has recommended that, I'm sure it tastes good! (I'm picturing it adds zest kinda like the lime you squirt onto Chipotle burritos - yum!)

Hungry yet? 

Well, that whole "lime wedge" thing came to mind in an interesting way today. I was getting ready for the day and lamenting how much I didn't feel like a Christian at the moment. To be honest, I've had a very up and down time since Brian and Brody passed about coming and spending time with the Lord. My individual time with Him has been scattered, because approaching Him one on one can be intimidating after you did so for so long and got such a strange result. 

I feel like my life has been redefined by Brian and Brody and I can't shake the feeling that I'm different because I lost these family members so early in life... and at times, I don't always know how to reconcile that with my relationship with God. (Some days are better than others!)

This morning, God reminded me that it isn't about what I feel. I might not feel like a Christian, but that's okay because it's not about me. God created me to be wholly me. My faults, my flaws, my family, my everything is who God made me to be. Even this off/on struggle with prayer is part of me. Granted there is an enemy in the world who is working to use me against me... if that makes any sense. But whether or not I feel like a Christian because I'm doing this or that doesn't change the fact that I am one. My beliefs about God and Jesus hasn't changed and my beliefs about who He is and what He has done for me hasn't changed. Sometimes my actions change because I make choices that aren't the best, but other days I make choices that are better. (Generally speaking, these are all choices that are relatively small, like did I read my Bible today or take too long working or not listen to enough worship music)

What has changed is my life. It's okay to be affected by death--there's no way around it. My family dynamic has forever been changed--both for good and for bad! Brian and Brody, of course, are the "bad" changes since they aren't here anymore, but Josh (Cristina's husband), Brayden, and Andrew are a few of the good changes. That, as I thought about it this morning, is my "lime wedge." My life was going along swimmingly and then I got this lime wedge handed to me. Tragedy. It stinks. I had a choice and I continue to have a choice on how this lime wedge of life will affect me. Will I suck on the lime wedge and have a stinky face because life is so sour? Will I let the lime wedge sit by glass of Coke and do nothing, perhaps in the hope that ignoring it will make the lime wedge disappear? Or will I squeeze the lime wedge into my Coke and let a new zingy flavor of my life unfold before me? 

I'm sitting here crying as I'm watching this words get typed out before me... this blog makes sense and is  encouraging me while just fifteen minutes ago I was thinking, "I'm a horrible Christian!" God uses everything for good. And it's not about what I feel. It's about what I know and walking that out and letting the feelings follow. 

As my pastor friend said during the whole time Brian was sick, God is faithful. That will never change. He is more faithful than the circumstances that we can validate naturally every day. God is more faithful than everything we see, and even though we can't see Him, we cling to that truth that He will always turn lime wedges into zests of life squeezed into our drink, if we dare to pick them up and embrace them as the flaws that make up our life. 

It's not about me. It's not about us. It's about God and Him using us to bring this world back to Him. 

(P.S. I did a quick image search for Coke with lime and apparently it's more than a lime wedge and a glass of Coke....)

remembering brody

Ever since Brayden was born, I've been thinking a lot about my first son, Brody. For those of you who don't know, he was born on November 21, 2010 at 21 weeks along in my pregnancy. He was a beautiful one pound, one foot boy - absolutely perfect - who lived an hour before going to meet Jesus. (He's lucky - he's in heaven!!!)

I don't know if I ever thought about how I'd respond to having Brayden after Brody didn't make it, but it's been an interesting ride. During my pregnancy, I had to pinch myself that the baby in me was a completely different baby than the first time. After I met Brayden, I actually missed Brody the most I've ever missed him because I saw what I missed the first time.

So yes, I've thought about Brody a ton and miss him dearly as I wonder what Brody would have looked like and how life would have been with him around or even more so, both Brayden and Brody - I would love, love, love to have both boys on earth right now.

The crazy thing is that if I had Brody in my arms right now, Brayden wouldn't exist, and now I wouldn't trade Brayden for the world, especially since I know Brody is better than all of us in heaven.

That makes my mind go tilt.

What makes it tilt even more is that my grandma miscarried between my dad's older sister and him. Again, the timing works out that if that baby had stayed on this earth, my dad wouldn't have existed, which means I wouldn't exist either.

Strange!

This is where I just say, God is amazing, and rely on His goodness and purposeful plan because I don't get what happened, but I know He's working everything -- bad, good, and in between -- out for His purposes.

By the way, if you read all that and got confused about which baby is Brody and which is Brayden, that's okay. I think I've said it before... Brody Mark is named in honor of my brother, Brian Mark, who passed away in October 2010. Brayden Allen is named in honor of both of them. :-) It's a wonderful way that I can remember all three of them and let their memory live on in a unique way on this earth. And I fully don't mind at all if anyone gets the names mixed up.

Also, thank you to all of my friends who remember Brody and talk about him in certain conversations. That means the world to me that you remember him.

One last thought - when asked the question about Brayden, "Is this your first?" I switch up my answer all the time, depending on the person and situation. Sometimes, I take the easy way out and say, "Yes," and other times, I say, "My first full-term" or something along those lines. Having a baby in heaven is interesting because we are family of four, but you can only see three people on earth. So I'll probably keep switching up my answer, but Brody, you always will be my firstborn and in my heart. I'm super excited to tell Brayden about you.

Okay, one final, final last thought. The best day of my life after the day I met Jesus and my wedding day, was probably the day I took Brayden home. I might have been one of the few mothers you see walking out of the birthing center crying while taking home their newborn. Given our previous situation, that day was the best, most surreal day in my life.

Happy birthday, Brody!

Happy birthday, Brody! I hope Uncle Brian and Grandma Doris are throwing you a big party up in heaven! Okay, they might not be because you've probably just blinked and another year has passed on earth... oh the things about heaven and God's timing that we thoroughly don't understand here on earth!

What a year it's been, little boy of mine.

Since the time you met us and then met Jesus, I've been on bedrest for, well, pretty much half the year it seems! First, I rested because of you, but within about six months, I got to go on bedrest so your little brother, Brayden, wouldn't get to heaven as fast as you did. Hope you don't mind! ;-) (again, you'll probably blink in heaven's time and our whole family will be up there celebrating with you and Jesus!)

We miss you a lot. In fact, since Brayden is still in my tummy, we think about you and sometimes mix you and Brayden up. Yeah, we named Brayden after you and knew that we'd mix the names up, and we're doing a good job of it. But that's okay. Even though it is sad, I love remembering you. You're my precious firstborn.

We're about two months or less from meeting Brayden. I'm excited to see what he looks like. I do wonder if he looks anything like you! And I wonder how you look like us! If I get to heaven and you're a grown man like some people say happens in heaven, I want to see baby pictures. :-) Not sure if that's possible, but then again, with God, aren't all things possible?

Brody, you have a beautiful place down here where we can remember you. You actually share a grave and tombstone with your great great aunt - my Grandpa's mom miscarried a baby girl before he was born. You're right next to Uncle Brian and actually your tombstone looks a lot like Uncle Brian's. That's very special. You know all these people already because you're with them, but I just wanted to tell you that we visit you there when we can. (I really wish we could visit you today, but there's snow on the ground, and it will be slippery and a little hard to find you. I don't want to fall and hurt myself or Brayden at all!) As Brayden gets bigger, we'll bring him to visit you too, and maybe even release balloons to you - something special as our little way of connecting with you. I'm pretty sure that the balloons don't actually reach heaven, but you never know. :-) I can dream.

Brody, you've impacted your daddy's and my life in a really special way. You'll always have a treasured place in our hearts. Because of you, we now have influence in people's lives who we would never have met if we hadn't met you. Crazy. I'm so glad you're well taken care of in heaven, although I wish you could be down here instead hugging me, your daddy, Tucker, and little Brayden.

Oh and yesterday, Daddy and I were blessed with toys and blankets and clothes and all sorts of wonderful things for Brayden at our first baby shower. It made me think of you and miss you a lot.

I'll end with a quote from a friend whose baby went to heaven a few years before mine: "Most people only dream of angels. We've held one."

We love you, Brody. Happy 1st birthday. See you soon.

 

today's top 5 (11/16)

Happy Wednesday! It's been a while since I've written what I'm thankful for today, so here we go. (By the way, I already have my main top five things I'm thankful for written here! These are just little or big things I'm thankful for today. Helps keep me grateful!)

1. Heat. Winter weather where I live is cold. Period. I'm very grateful for heat in my house!

2. Thanksgiving. I love the cozy feeling I get when eating a good Thanksgiving meal for lunch and leftovers for dinner while surrounded by my family. 

3. Maternity clothes. They make life a little easier when your belly keeps expanding. 

4. Family and friends. I know this is a main top five for me, but I do have to say, I am SO thankful for everything my family and friends have done to help me and Erik while I'm off my feet waiting for baby to come. Words really can't express my gratitude enough. Thank you. 

5. Pillows. Where would we be without comfortable pillows? We sleep on them, nap on them, I have my head on one or two pretty much all day long on the sofa... they're wonderful!

Oh and today I'm expanding it...

6. I'm 30 weeks and 2 days pregnant today. According to doctor's measurements, Brayden might even be a little ahead of that growth-wise, which is nice to know. I'm feeling much more confident that we'll have a healthy baby boy in January!

7. Brody. One year ago, we were in the hospital praying he would stick around in my tummy for just a little while longer. I'm sad he didn't, but he was a fighter to the end and impacted our lives forever. His birthday is Sunday, and I have a special birthday post I'm excited to share with you then. 

Hugs and love~

a lesson of beauty from my plant

So I recently came across a beautiful allegory thanks to one of the flower arrangements I received after Brody went to heaven. Here is the pic of the plant last fall.

This has quickly become a favorite of mine. I love the leaves and the occasional pink flowers - they are always a pleasant surprise to see when they come. 

I don't consider myself to have a green thumb. Erik handles the plant department way better than I do. We have watered this plant when we remembered (and probably forgot about it quite often, but thankfully it's a cactus) and it has kept on going. 

We don't have a lot of sunlight in our current home, so all of our plants are battling for whatever sun they can get. This plant stayed about this size for most of the past year until I moved it to a window sill with some other plants, and that's when the plant really started to flourish.

Here's a picture of it now: 

I love how the plant keeps growing and growing. The cactus leaves keep growing longer, and the flowers are back in bloom. Something that started so small and beautiful has grown into something bigger and even more beautiful. 

I think it was that extra dose of attention from the sun that really pushed this plant to blossom. It held on to life until then, but when we finally put it in better circumstances, it thrived. 

It makes me think that things that are beautiful now can become even more beautiful when placed under the direct care, supervision, and influence of our Lord. The more time we spend in God's presence, the more we give ourselves a chance to grow and become even more beautiful to others around us. 

quick update!

Hi everyone!

I've started blog drafts and thought about writing many times over the past weeks/days, but obviously, I've been quiet on here for a while.

Just thought I'd check in and let you know that everything is going aok. :-) Baby is healthy and I'm still on bedrest so baby can stay healthy in me and not come early. Erik, my family, and friends have all been amazing as they help take care of me when I'm off my feet.

Slowly but surely I'm pulling together baby registry stuff and realizing how much stuff you need to take care of a kiddo! Yikes!

Yesterday, we celebrated my brother Brian's two year anniversary in heaven. Amazing how time flies. Erik and I visited Brody and Brian at the cemetery, and it was peaceful and beautiful. A nice bittersweet moment... we actually both thought the same thing at the same time while there: "It's still kinda surreal." And that it is. Hard to imagine that Brian went through what he went through and he's not here anymore, and that we and Brody went through what we went through. Definitely wish it could be different, but since it isn't, we do our best to keep moving on.

I'm SO grateful that I know I'll see them again in heaven. I can't imagine dealing with grief without that hope of eternity and seeing them again. (If you don't have hope of eternity, visit www.needhim.com.)

Anyway, thanks for reading my blog. I'm amazed by all the page views and hope that somehow my ramblings and life stories encourage you in your own journey.

Hugs.

Laura

My two sons... Brody and Brayden

Hi everyone!

This past Wednesday was the day I've been waiting for! My pregnancy has officially gone longer than when my water broke last time. Thank you, Lord! Secondly, we had our 20-week ultrasound and saw baby and everything is looking very healthy for him and for me! Yep, it's a boy! :-)

It's true, both Erik and I wanted another boy. Erik is a big brother with a younger sister and I have a big brother and am the younger sister. We both love our family situations, and really wanted to start out the same way. So Brody Mark Wegener, our firstborn, officially has a little brother named Brayden Allen Wegener. Yippee!

I'm a little behind on posting baby bump pics so here are a couple. This was the beginning of the bump, week 13. 

The second is me at 19 weeks. I'm almost 21 weeks, so I'll try to get another pic up soon. I'm starting to be amazed at what will happen to my tummy over the next four months... can it really get that big? Obviously, I've seen it happen over and over to others, but to have your tummy stretch this way is completely different!

Brayden is a mover and shaker - flipping and turning and being active in there. That makes it extra fun. Erik got to feel him move a few weeks ago, so that was a huge blessing for both of us!

I definitely still have some mental battles to deal with when these random pregnancy aches come and go... I'm learning to trust my God-given motherly intuition, which I'm sure includes His direct leading as well, about what I feel so I don't fear what I'm going through, but I also am not foolish if something should be a concern. I trust God that everything will go smoothly from now until weeks 36-40, which is when baby can officially come. Yay!

Oh and at my family birthday party (which included birthday celebrations for me, Erik, my cousin, and my aunt!) Erik and I really wanted my aunt to taste our white amaretto cake and frosting that we did for his grandma's birthday so we decided to make our own birthday cake! Since we had four birthday people, we went a different route for decorations, thanks to an idea from Food Network magazine.

Here's our "hamburger" cake!

The "tomatoes," "lettuce," and "onion rings" are spice drops that I rolled out and reformed. The cheese is fondant. The sesame seeds are rice puffy cereal. The bun and burger are cake and the burger has chopped up chocolate and small chocolate chips around it for color.

:-) It was a huge hit.

By the way, today I remember along with our country 9/11/01. God, please surround our country. Wrap your arms around every family directly affected by that horrific day and protect our country continually. In Jesus' name, Amen.

right now... time=molasses

I can't tell you how crazy slow this time of waiting is going. Yes, parts of it are going quickly; I know I'll already be 20 weeks along on Monday, but especially over the past three weeks or so, the days seem to drip by like the molasses I pour into my dad's favorite gingerless ginger cookies. I'm counting the moments until Wednesday: our ultrasound and the day I'll officially be farther in my pregnancy than last time.

I'm not sure if you've ever experienced something like that, but I thought I'd write about it in case you did. The only other time I can think that time went this slow was in my sophomore year of high school. For some reason, that year poked along like none other--and I still remember how slow it went to this day!

The good news is that time does and will keep going. And in the future, I guarantee I'll be thinking, wow, can you believe time has flown this fast?

That's all. Just wanted to say that.

Oh and I'm super excited to write my post on Wednesday or Thursday and let you know!!

I'm entering my thirties...

Yep. It's true. I've entered my thirties. I told my dad I feel like an official adult now. :-)

I think I have the whole birthday thing easy because my hubby and BFF and a lot of other friends of mine all turned 30 before me, so by the time my birthday comes, I'm already used to being thirty! (Although, yes, I do mention my young age to them throughout the month/year of them being officially older than me!)

I'm also 19 weeks along today. It was a little strange this morning to realize that my mom was pregnant 30 years ago today about to deliver me and now I'm 19 weeks along and will deliver a beautiful baby boy/girl in January! Crazy! :-) Seasons of life, huh?

Everything seems to be going well for my pregnancy. The doc said it would be very obvious if anything dangerous or bad happened post-surgery that would cause things to go awry. That's helped me mentally, because everything has seemed normal. I haven't been without my mental battles as I approach the time Brody was delivered last time, but I do remember that if I have a certain instinct of what I'm feeling, I'm probably right. God created ladies to have babies and He gives them that "motherly instinct" of what is going on in their bodies. I have to trust that instinct.

Next week we get a sneak peek at baby B (Brielle or Brayden) during our 20-week ultrasound. I am so looking forward to that day! We'll find out if we're having Brielle or Brayden and then I'll officially be past the timing of when my water broke with Brody. Yay! That will be a huge relief for me.

By the way, Erik and I didn't intentionally want to have a tongue twister family... Brody, Brielle, Brayden... those are the kids' names we like right now. As my family gets used to the names, they are already getting them a little jumbled, as I'm sure Erik and I will. But there was a reason for each of those names and we love them all!! When Erik and I first heard Brielle a few years ago, we loved it and immediately wanted to name our daughter that (even though we weren't close to being pregnant yet!). Then Brody was named in honor of Brian, and then Brayden is named in honor of Brody. We love all the names, plus it's a nice theme that I think reflects my brother and son nicely. Yay!

Anyhoo, off I go to see if I can get some work done outside. Thank you for all the birthday well-wishes and prayers for my family. I appreciate it! :-)

Brody's getting a sibling!

Yep, the rumors are true. Brody is getting a little brother or sister! The baby is due 1-23-12.

It's very odd because for the first time ever, I'm actually desperately looking forward to winter!

Just yesterday, I went in for a minor, same-day surgery that will help prevent what happened with Brody so my body can keep baby around until January. Everything went really well, and I'm on bedrest for a week recovering. I'll be on light activity after that... so if you see me even think about trying to lift something heavy, stop me! :-)

I have basic instructions from the doc, but all the details of what I can and can't do from now until January will be taken on a day-by-day and week-by-week basis, depending on my body feels. The most important thing is to take it easy and make sure baby #2 can stay inside as long as possible!!!

Thanks for all your prayers and support during this time! Now that I went through the surgery and we have a plan in place for protecting the baby, we're a lot less nervous about this time around! Thank you, Lord, for technology and a good doctor!

my first mother's day

Well, no one expects their first mother's day to be one without a baby in their arms, but I know it happens to more people than it ever should. (Hey, if it only happened to one person ever, that's too many!) I was thinking about all those moms yesterday - the ones with babies in heaven - and sending them love.

Yesterday was my first mother's day, and thanks to my wonderful friends and family it went as good as it could. My lips trembled many times throughout the day and tears came once, but overall, I took the day to remember Brody and think about Jesus or Uncle Brian telling him stories about me in heaven. I'm sure Brody was laughing and smiling over my many quirks.

Sometimes it's very hard to even comprehend that I am supposed to have a newborn who would be friends with all the babies I see being born right now. Pictures of new babies and pregnant bellies continue to pop up and with the marvels of facebook, I feel like I'm watching certain kids grow up. It kinda makes me sick to the stomach thinking that I was supposed to be one of them--that's why I do try to stop myself whenever my mind goes in that direction.

I think I'm pretty good at adapting to new situations in life. The past is the past and it can't be changed, so why dwell on it? You can wish every once in a while that things would be different, but I think I'd rather dream about the future. I'm kinda mentally going back to the place I was in before I got pregnant--and that's the place where I dream about holding a baby in my arms.

That seems to be the best place for me to be. I love Brody and remember him all the time. Wishing and dreaming I could be with him, but knowing he's in the best place he could ever be in. I mean, this is really a crazy world... I am very glad he's safe with Jesus right now.

Thank you to everyone who took time to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. It meant the world to me to hear it. I know I don't look like a mother to the naked eye, but I am and I love being a mommy, even though it's different than I expected.

I'm hopeful that next Mother's Day I'll be holding a baby, but only God knows for sure exactly the timing on that. I believe that Brody won't meet his siblings (whoever they are!) for a very long time. Mommy and Daddy get time with them for a long time (in earth time) first! (And just to confirm, I'm not preggo...). :-)

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful ladies in my life... my mom, both my grandmas, Erik' mom, both Erik's grandmas. You are all beautiful and I'm so happy you are my family. I learn from you and love you.


P.S. I have to give a shout out to my hubby for being with me and by my side through yesterday. He's amazing... the flowers and card were perfect and I ESPECIALLY loved our dinner... Dairy Queen cupcakes! MADE MY DAY! (Note: I rarely use all caps to show emphasis... but this was THAT important to me... all caps were necessary!)  **huge smile**

beauty out of rain

You know, this day reminds me of what I believe my life will look like within the next few years. It started off really rainy and wet. I had even dried my hair before leaving to make sure I didn't freeze from wet hair... only to remember I had to still walk the dog in pouring rain! I'm thankful for umbrellas. :-) By the end of the day, the sun was shining and although it was super windy, it turned out to be nice outside. Tuck and I enjoyed a nice walk this afternoon.

I'm still grieving Brody a lot. I thought it would be a little easier after the "I was supposed to be pregnant right now" time period was over, but it's been a little harder because I see babies and think - even subconsciously it seems - that I should have my own right now. (I do--he's just in heaven.)

And I'm not saying all that to get sympathy or anything. Overall, I think I'm doing fine. I'm just going through the grieving process... and all that to say, there's been a lot of rain pouring in my life. And I've gotten wet (even with the Lord's umbrella of grace over my head - I'm getting wet from walking in the puddles!)... but the sun will--and is!--coming out to shine in my life.

I think that's the way it should happen. Grief is like the rain. You get messy when it rains. Rain leaves an impact. But the sun will come again and shine in your life making beauty out of the rain.