my favorite Christmas carol... in a funny way

My favorite Christmas carol is Carol of the Bells. (My other favorite, especially for singing, is Joy to the World.) There's this one version of Carol of the Bells that is a family favorite. I can picture my parents and Brian and I watching this many times growing up.

Mom and Dad... this one's for you! :-)

where strength comes from

Stumbled across this video. I've seen it before, but thought I'd share it today. I know God didn't "take" Brody or "take" Brian as some people might say if they were in a similar situation (and I think the songs says too), but both things did happen... so I need strength to deal with them. 





Some verses I've been drawing strength from:

Eph. 6:10 (Amp.) "In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides]."

Phil. 4:13 (Amp.) "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]."

molecules, waterslides, and the body of Christ

 Life can be so hard sometimes. It's funny; I remember sitting in church services growing up and hearing the preacher (even being the preacher) who says, "I know some of you are going through a difficult time right now and frustrated with God"... and I remember wondering what that would be like.

Well, I understand a lot better now. I'm not frustrated with God, but I am frustrated with my limited mind. I guess that's the best way to put it. God is an infinite God who is perfect in all He does. That part I get. What I don't get is sometimes how to connect all the dots of what He says in Scripture.

Yes, I know the Holy Spirit can help us, but when natural things overwhelm you (as they have been for me recently), it's hard to recognize what the Holy Spirit is saying. And, yes, you could burst in here and say, "You need to stop and listen for Him." True, but it isn't always that easy. It's like when you are sliding down a waterslide, water is spraying in your face, and someone is yelling at you at the end of the slide saying, "Look at me, look at me!" Or someone is throwing water balloons at your face, and another person is trying to get you to smile for a picture. You know someone is trying to get your attention and you will look at that person as soon as you get a chance, but you can't do it at exactly that moment.

This is where I think the body of Christ comes in. The picture I had in mind this morning looks something like what I posted here. This here is some type of molecular structure. All of the circles and lines are holding each other up. That reminds me of my support system. When I am weak, I have people surrounding me who are holding me up.

What would happen to this particular structure if any part of it were removed? It would be weakened or fall apart. And really, if I remember my oh-so-long-ago science classes, if you remove any part of a molecule or even an atom, it changes what it is completely.

I think this is a good representation of how the body of Christ works. We support each other when we're being blindsided by difficulty. When I was moaning to my friend yesterday about how its hard for me to be the one receiving from everyone, she reminded me that in the middle of others supporting me, somehow I'm supporting them too. It's a mutual thing, and really, when the body of Christ is working together, it works well because that's how God structured his body to work: all together as one.

All that to say, our human minds are extremely limited when it comes to difficulty and reconciling it with a loving God and the promises we see in Scripture. Everyone can make a case for their view of adversity. The interesting thing is God brings us the views and input we need to hear when we need to hear it. He knows what we need.

I'm not sure that I have a grandiose ending to these ramblings, so I'll just leave it at that and add more another day as I continue to process what I'm walking through in this life. :-)

God's greatest promise to us

Last night Erik and I went with a friend to see Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I was super excited to see this movie because I grew up watching the BBC versions of these movies and loved them. I love stories and I especially love stories that have Christian angles/analogies to them.

I was much happier with this movie than the second Chronicles movie. From what I've read and after watching all three movies, I've gathered that the producers (or whoever in the production team) pulled back from the subtle Christian analogies in Prince Caspian (the second Chronicles movie). They were there, but not as much. Well, that movie "tanked" according to their standards (pulling in $450 million worldwide doesn't sound like such a bad job to me!) and they put back in these Christian analogies in the third movie.

That brings me to the reason I'm writing. I almost pulled out my cell phone in the middle of the movie to write down some quotes from the movie. The thing that has stuck with me from the movie and in a sense "confirmed" what I've been hearing and thinking over the past few weeks is that God's greatest promise to us through this world is the fact that He will always be with us.

God says in the last part of Hebrews 13:5, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."(That's from the good old King James Version.)

The Amplified says, "I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]^"

In the Chronicles movies, Aslan isn't always by the side of the kids in Narnia or in the real world. In fact, they never see Aslan in the real world, but as Aslan states in the movie, "In that world, I go by a different name." (I love that!) Those kids face all sorts of dangers, wars, difficulties, and evils in both worlds, and I think it's no different from what happens to us in the real world. We're facing difficulties because the Devil has been handed the keys to this world (think Adam, sin, disobedience to God). This is, in a sense, his realm. Another quote (okay, it's not exact, but close!) from the movie is "Evil has been given the upper hand for a time." And although God truly has the upper hand in this universe and through all time, in this natural world, evil exists and is rampant.

Of course, that doesn't mean we are helpless against evil. God empowers us with the strength to face it and defeat it. And when we're tempted beyond what we can handle or evil almost gets the best of us, God can step in and remind us of who He is and who He's created us to be. (Again, reference to when Aslan shows up in the movies at exactly the right time... literally not a moment too soon or a moment too late.)

I'm laughing to myself now because this little "soapbox" has come from a movie... again, I absolutely love stories that have Christian analogies to them!!

I'll end with this thought... before I go downstairs to eat some lunch. Hebrews 13:5 in the Message Bible says: "Since God assured us, 'I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,' we can boldly quote, God is there, ready to help; I'm fearless no matter what. Who or what can get to me?"

God is with us in this world. He helps exactly when we need it and even when we can't see it, He is carrying us. Over the past few weeks, that's exactly what I've felt. I didn't necessarily even pray that I'd be held by God (I bet a lot of you, my support team, has), but I was. I was held by Him and He is bringing me through this adversity, no matter how long it takes me to heal. He is good.

back to reality?

It's starting to sink in that reality is returning, and I'm not sure that I like it. I remember going through this after Brian passed. It's so hard to get back into a regular routine and see life happen as normal all around you when you've just had a big tragedy happen. You want to stop and scream, "Something horrible happened in my life!"

I'm grateful that I'm not alone in this feeling. I know it's completely normal to think like this, and right now I don't have those feelings quite as intense as they were with Brian. I think it's because I know life will return to normal, but it's a new normal. Something has changed in Erik and I and Brody's life will always be a part of us. In fact, one of our desires is to have Brody's life keep speaking here on earth, even though he is in heaven.

The only way to really deal with these feelings of "Ack! Reality!" is by taking it slow, one day at a time. I still have an official three more weeks before my body gets back to pre-pregnancy, so I do need to be aware of that. I also need to know that even though reality is returning, I can still heal. It's okay to cry and have moments of processing my grief. I just can't wallow in it!

I'm reminded of something that happened to me years ago after I had gone through a bit of difficulty and was having a bunch of bad days in a row. I was taking the bus to my internship at the time and I looked around at all the people who were in the bus with me. I thought, "How many of these people are going through something traumatic right now and no one knows because they have to get back into reality?"

How many times have I criticized how someone was acting not realizing that their mom just died or they just finalized a divorce or something tragic just happened? Obviously, you can't justify sin because of someone's grief, but you can give them grace for a bad attitude or an imperfect response to your question. Everyone is facing difficulties. Even though our difficulty is the most obvious one to us, always remember to give people a lot of grace for they might be going through something difficult too.

By the way, I know that there aren't any good words to say about what just happened to Erik and me, and that's okay. If you want to ask how I'm doing next time I see you, that's okay. If you want to ask about Brody, that's okay too. If you don't want to say anything at all, that's okay. Here's a link to that blog I mentioned in another post where she talked about how to help a grieving friend. I haven't read all of it, but the parts I did read helped a lot. Maybe it will help you too - not just for this situation, but for any situation where one of your friends is grieving.
http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/how-to-help-your-grieving-friend/

God is with me and God is with you, even in our grief. Hugs.

Brody's name

I just looked at my past blogs and realized that I never posted about our 19-week ultrasound, so I want to backtrack a little. Erik and I REALLY wanted a boy. We both had good experiences with older brothers -- he loved being the older brother and protecting his sister and I loved having an older brother. I ALWAYS wanted to have a boy first because of Brian.

Within the first few moments of the ultrasound, the technician asked if we wanted to know the gender. We immediately said yes. Well, within a few moments, we saw clearly that it was a boy. It was super funny because the moment came and went so quickly that I had to blink and blink again then look at Erik a few minutes later and mouth, "We're having a boy! Ack!"

I was SO excited. I think one of my favorite parts was the fact that my brother, Brian, would have a little boy who could be named after him. It just seemed right to have his name carried on somehow. We had been thinking about names for a few months. We had debated a few different options because we wanted a unique name, but I did like the idea of honoring Brian somehow.

I knew I couldn't name my baby, Brian, for a first name because that would be too weird to have a Brian in my house. When we came across the name Brody, Erik and I didn't immediately throw out the name. Something about it stuck, and we kept going back to it. We considered some middle names to put with it, and when we paired it with my dad's name, it seemed perfect. Brody Mark Wegener. The reason it was perfect is because my brother's name was Brian Mark Baker. Brody Mark seemed like the perfect way to honor my brother because the name was similar to his, but unique, and it honored my dad at the same time, who played a huge part in Brian's life, especially as Brian walked through the last few years here on earth.

I looked up what Brody meant and found out it meant muddy waters or something funny like that, but then in one specific language it meant brothers, which again just made me think of Brian. 

Oh and on a fun note, the initials of Brody Mark Wegener are BMW. :-) Both Erik and Brian LOVE cars and BMWs and fast cars and cool cars. I figured we'd nickname him Beamer. Heh heh... Uncle Brian is probably calling him Beamer up in heaven or something!!!

Anyway, after we made all the phone calls to family that we were having a boy, we looked at each other and decided Brody Mark Wegener would be the perfect name for him. So glad we decided that. I love the name and it's perfect for our little boy.

Hugs to you, Brody. I miss you and love you! Tell Uncle Brian I said hi and love him and that he needs to take good care of you! Also, tell Jesus that I love Him. So glad you are with Him. He'll take the best care of you.

processing my grief

My lovely friend, April, passed on to me a blog she thought I might enjoy. The mom has a bunch of kids on earth and one daughter in heaven. www.mollypiper.com

She posted this after posting a happy picture of her and her husband when she was 36 weeks along with her baby girl a few years ago.

Today, memories like this [picture] make me cry—hard. We had no idea that we were a few weeks away from one of the worst tragedies we’ll ever face.
So if you’re a mom like me, living without one (or more) of your children, take heart that this is indeed one of the hardest things you will ever live through. But that also means that you lived.
The lines around your eyes will deepen. But that also means you’ve seen. You’ve seen the chaos of pain. Your eyes have and will shed tears for people in their pain that you could’ve never understood before. This is a blessed gift.
Hold on with me. We’re gonna make it. We might not be the happy-go-lucky gals we used to be, but our lives here will tell stories of indescribable loss and the love of a God who made us to be exactly who we are—every line, every gray hair. None of it is wasted.

I'm reposting that because it helps me right now. I'm having a rough morning missing Brody and missing the what ifs and the could have beens and memories that we were going to make with him on earth.

Here's another post where I put my name in where appropriate: 

I want to assure you that I feel really held by the Lord. I feel safe. ... So there’s got to be something for me in this. There has to be. ... I want to see the beauty of what God has for me here. It means that some days are really hard. It means that I’m going to places in my soul that I didn’t know existed before this. It means that I’m a different person. But I’m getting more comfortable with the [Laura]  who’s been asked to bear this grief. I’m relaxing into the transformation a little more now.
I wish every day that [in the future] I would get to hear [Brody's] new words, listen to [his] post-nap singing, change [his] stinky diapers. Yet I know that losing [him] has changed me more than getting to raise [him]would have. That’s a hard reality, but it’s the reality I live with.
Lord, make it something beautiful.

I'm reading through her blog backwards (recent posts first) so I still have plenty of posts I can read that will surely help me as I walk through missing Brody.

I just wrote to someone, I feel guilty for being happy that he's safe with Jesus, but I feel selfish for wanting him here. It's an odd paradox that I'm just not sure what to do with. This author who I quoted has had almost 3 years I think to process her loss, and I'm going on a few weeks, so I know I have a long way to go, but I remind myself of a few things.

1. One of our good friends told us in the hospital on Tuesday morning (the day after my water broke) that God believes in us. He believes we can make it through this journey. He believes we can make it through without falling away from Him or become a worse-off person than before. That phrase "God believes in me" has stuck with me.

2. God will never give us more than we can handle - 1 Corinthians 10:13. Yes, I sometimes feel like screaming out, Are you kidding me? I can't handle this! But God obviously thinks more of me than I think of myself. (Again, see point #1.)

3. One of my pastor's favorite verses in James 1:2-4. It tells us to consider it joy when you fall into various temptations/tests/trials because the testing of your faith worketh patience. I get that. We can be happy when we grow in our faith, even if it means going through a difficult time. Beyond that though is verse 5. I've never really made the connection between verses 2-4 and verse 5, which says that God gives wisdom to those who ask. The time of a trial in your life is exactly when you need wisdom, because any time you go through something difficult, you will hit those times of "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now." That's when you can ask God for wisdom.

My mom is here now to make lunch. I think we'll watch something on Food Network too. All for now~