Thursday, May 6, 2010

Six months (or so) later...

I MISS BRIAN!!!! All of us miss him a LOT and wish we didn't need to wait until heaven to see him again. That goes for me, my parents, Cristina, our grandparents, Cristina's family. Cristina's had some hard days missing him - I can't even imagine!!!

I've had some good hard cries recently about it. It's starting to sink in that he's gone for life on earth and our life continues. Our family life is adjusting as we try to figure out this new dynamic. It stinks. :( I'm glad I do have a wonderful family though through it all.

I laughed at the thoughts going through my head during one of my recent cries.... I was at church and Keve came up for the offering song and as I heard the first notes I thought, Oh no, is this the song [that was played at Brian's funeral]? And I was desperately hoping it wasn't!!! I was tempted to leave the room so I didn't have to hear it. It just fits Brian's scenario so well that all I do is think of him when it is played. And sure enough as the chorus came around I started bawling feeling like I was crying slightly against my will!!! Erik was out of town, so thankfully my good high school friend was sitting next to me and she looked at me and knew what was going on. She let me sit there and hold her and cry it out! But the thought that made me laugh is I was considering asking Pastor Tim to never play that song again  or at least let me know so I could skip church if they sang it again! I know crying is good, but I just laughed because I slightly blamed them for making me cry!:-)

They say that we have to make sure we grieve Brian well. Okay, that's well and good to say, but how do we grieve well??? "It's different for every person" is most likely the cliche that follows, so I figure for me, I remember. I talk about him. I'm glad for all of you who have listened and talked to him about me. I cry when I need to, and gradually I think that will be the grieving process for me. Oh and I ask questions and deal with those faith questions as best as I can when they come. I'll put aside what I can't answer and trust, but face those questions without burying them (as much as possible!).

Oh and if you knew Brian and you ever think of him for whatever reason, can you call/email/text/facebook me and let me know? That will make me very happy. April did that for me recently and it made my day. I think it helps knowing other people think of him too.

And just so you know, black and white words on a screen can't convey feeling, and although I'm ranting a little, I feel like I'm doing okay overall. It's insane how much I miss him some days, but those feelings come and go. Still a lot to learn.

One of my friend's grandmas passed away and she actually is singing the same song I Will Rise at the funeral today. I was happy to be able to post a little bit of what I've learned on her facebook wall. Good will come out of this in little ways like that.

I'll post about Erik soon. If you think of him, please pray for encouragement and hope, and then his continued healing.

Thanks for your love and prayers. I appreciate it more than you know.

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