Today, I'm thinking of my little mister, Brody Mark Wegener. He was born 11-20-10, weighed a little less than a pound, was a little less than a foot long, and lived for a little less than an hour. He was such a trooper because he stayed in my tummy with minimal amniotic fluid for over five days. He's a fighter!
We had a beautiful funeral for him about a month after he was born; it was long enough after so I had enough time to physically recover and our family could be together. It brought nice closure to a short life that had such an impact on me and my family and who knows who else.
Sometimes I forget how much it hurts to have lost a family member... and yes, I highly dislike that I lost two of them within a little over a year (my brother and my son). Each of their legacies live on in unique ways... and every once in a while, it's good to sit down and just have a good cry that they aren't there any more and that you just miss them and want them back.
I can't explain the odd feelings I have that Brayden, although he thinks he's the oldest kid and certainly acts like the only kid because he is the only kid we're taking care of, my heart knows he's my middle child. It's so strange because it's this intangible feeling that he's not my oldest. Brody is. Like I mentioned when I said we were pregnant with our third, I am reminding myself that Brayden has no understanding about him not really being the oldest or the only kid, so his behavior will be oldest/only kid. But he will most definitely grow up knowing about his big brother in heaven.
I'm really grateful for this odd feeling though... this constant, subconscious remembrance of Brody. My guess is a lot of parents, including my own, feel that same way if they lose a child. No one else may know or everyone might know that you've lost someone, but you know, and that knowing is something you hold dear to you. They are forever a part of your heart and life.
Thanks to his grandma, Brayden has a few different books (he loves books!) on becoming a big brother and I think he has a pretty good 22-month-old grasp on the subject. I really think he'll do great once the next little miss or mister comes along in January.
Erik and I have had occasional questions from people - and we've asked ourselves these questions as well - will this be our last kid? And that's a fabulous question. I really like the idea of three kids, but I'm not sure how that will look in the future. Going through another pregnancy with light activity is rather intimidating, but the reward is great... Then we have always talked about adoption. I have no idea what the future holds, but I really like the fact that it doesn't matter what the future holds, I already have three kids. One just happens to be extremely easy to take care of... although, Brody, just so you know, I wish I were the one planning your birthday party. I do know you're in good hands.
All my love, Daddy's love, Brayden's love, and baby's love... happy birthday, Brody Mark Wegener! We love you and miss you dearly and are super excited to be reunited in heaven with you soon!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
throwback thursday
Happy 29 weeks to me and baby #3... I really like that I'm just days away from the 30-week mark. I like being in that "3-" range of weeks. I also like the age Brayden is at... 22 months. He's such a doll and so fun to watch. As you can imagine, so many fun things and stories I could tell....
Instead, I'm going to do a #throwbackthursday post! Partially because I was going through my archived photos and found cute ones that I haven't done anything with, so why not post them in my "online journal"! :-)
Instead, I'm going to do a #throwbackthursday post! Partially because I was going through my archived photos and found cute ones that I haven't done anything with, so why not post them in my "online journal"! :-)
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| happy birthday to mommy and daddy! August 2012... this is a favorite of mine! |
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| at the Bachman flower show, April 2013 (Erik took the pic!) |
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| flower show, part 2, me and my family! |
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| a little blurry... but we were going down the slide at the children's museum, May 2013... I love his smile! |
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| I love this one of my mom and Brayden... must have been August 2012 or so because he's in that same cute outfit from our birthday picture above |
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| April 2013, me and Bray at a bookstore reading! |
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| June 2013, eating watermelon at a family picnic |
Thursday, October 31, 2013
hallelujah harvest 2013
This year, Brayden got to be a part of our church's annual Hallelujah Harvest. He got a little roasty-toasty in his full lion costume, so the video you see at the party is him in a t-shirt and his costume pants. But the pictures that follow are in his full costume. He went trick or treating at our next door neighbors (just one house!).
He did like his costume. Super nice to have just pants and a zip up hoodie! When he showed his costume to people, he'd point to the lion on his head! So cute!
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| tuck is waiting for brayden to come back from trick-or-treating at the neighbors |
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| coming in from the neighbors |
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| super excited to eat the candy he picked out ... just waiting for mom to unwrap it! |
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| yum! |
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| this is really nummy... |
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| yep, I bit off the paper and everything! |
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| so glad I found the candy bowl... |
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
pregnancy update
Hi there!
As you can see, I wasn't joking. There is officially a baby in my tummy! Crazy! :-) S/he is kicking and rolling around and making his/her presence known... and yes, I am super excited we don't know what we are having! Something about not knowing until we meet the little kid makes me so happy. Yay!
This pregnancy is going the best out of all of them. I'm farther along than previously with no scares or concerns. This tells me two things: I have a better idea of what I can and can't do and I'm not as nervous this time around. I know in the back of my head that I did it before and I can do it again. I also have a much better picture of the end result. That propels me forward.
Don't get me wrong. This is still hard. It takes a crazy amount of guts and strength to do this again and both Erik and I have been like, Ahhhh, why are we putting ourselves through this again! Thankfully, though, this time, we remember and are still creating moments with Brayden that tucks the six months of limited activity and bedrest during his pregnancy in the far corners of our minds where they are almost unreachable. We know the same will eventually happen with number next.
During Bray's pregnancy, I had a week where I was doing limited amounts of things each day, but I did something out of the house every day. That created a minor scare that made me buckle down on bedrest so Brayden wouldn't come too early. This time, I am not repeating that. Although I have let myself go out of the house a couple times each week (with my doc's approval), I make sure I spend the next few days down doing nothing and when I'm out, I'm purposefully not walking long distances. And if my body tells me to rest or drink water or not stress or whatever, I try to comply. So the plan is that you will see me out and about to a limited degree until January when number next makes an appearance!
I have to give a shout out to all who have helped us and continue to help us! We have been extraordinarily blessed with family and friends who step up to the plate when we need help, and for that I am extremely grateful. And if you haven't yet helped but want to, you are probably on my list of people to call if I need anything--and trust me, having that list and knowing I can call you is a blessing I can't explain!
Bray and Erik have been troopers through all this. Erik is the lucky one because he gets to put Bray to bed every night and I think they have a male bonding thing going on now! I do my best to play with Bray on the floor or have him snuggle next to me and watch VeggieTales or have him crawl into his highchair and color with me. Creativity is key when your activity is limited!
One of his latest toys is the address label stickers that come from various companies in our junk mail. He loves sticking them on the sofa, on his shirt, on the chair, and then moving them some place else. I love watching his mind at work as he decided what he wants to do!
Well, that's about all for now. Thanks for your prayers. Number next will be here in 3-3.5 months! Yippee!
As you can see, I wasn't joking. There is officially a baby in my tummy! Crazy! :-) S/he is kicking and rolling around and making his/her presence known... and yes, I am super excited we don't know what we are having! Something about not knowing until we meet the little kid makes me so happy. Yay!
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| 25 weeks |
This pregnancy is going the best out of all of them. I'm farther along than previously with no scares or concerns. This tells me two things: I have a better idea of what I can and can't do and I'm not as nervous this time around. I know in the back of my head that I did it before and I can do it again. I also have a much better picture of the end result. That propels me forward.
Don't get me wrong. This is still hard. It takes a crazy amount of guts and strength to do this again and both Erik and I have been like, Ahhhh, why are we putting ourselves through this again! Thankfully, though, this time, we remember and are still creating moments with Brayden that tucks the six months of limited activity and bedrest during his pregnancy in the far corners of our minds where they are almost unreachable. We know the same will eventually happen with number next.
During Bray's pregnancy, I had a week where I was doing limited amounts of things each day, but I did something out of the house every day. That created a minor scare that made me buckle down on bedrest so Brayden wouldn't come too early. This time, I am not repeating that. Although I have let myself go out of the house a couple times each week (with my doc's approval), I make sure I spend the next few days down doing nothing and when I'm out, I'm purposefully not walking long distances. And if my body tells me to rest or drink water or not stress or whatever, I try to comply. So the plan is that you will see me out and about to a limited degree until January when number next makes an appearance!
I have to give a shout out to all who have helped us and continue to help us! We have been extraordinarily blessed with family and friends who step up to the plate when we need help, and for that I am extremely grateful. And if you haven't yet helped but want to, you are probably on my list of people to call if I need anything--and trust me, having that list and knowing I can call you is a blessing I can't explain!
Bray and Erik have been troopers through all this. Erik is the lucky one because he gets to put Bray to bed every night and I think they have a male bonding thing going on now! I do my best to play with Bray on the floor or have him snuggle next to me and watch VeggieTales or have him crawl into his highchair and color with me. Creativity is key when your activity is limited!
One of his latest toys is the address label stickers that come from various companies in our junk mail. He loves sticking them on the sofa, on his shirt, on the chair, and then moving them some place else. I love watching his mind at work as he decided what he wants to do!
Well, that's about all for now. Thanks for your prayers. Number next will be here in 3-3.5 months! Yippee!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
four years.
Four years.
Every year that comes, I wonder how I will commemorate the day my big brother went home to be with Jesus. This year, when Oct. 1 came, I hadn't thought much about it, and then I started to write this blog... and then I cried.
Time's a tricky thing. I remember after Brian passed and I would hear about how time healed and watch people walk through the five and ten year anniversaries and not seem as emotional as in that first year or even first moments, which I didn't ever want to be like that... but I was wrong. I am learning that every year is just as emotional as the prior year, but it comes out in different ways. Every anniversary is a chance to remember and cry and reflect and wish it had never happened... and that's okay. It's okay to miss, it's okay to love, it's okay to wish they were still here. And I do.
The anniversary and his birthday and his wedding anniversary--those special days--are all days to remember and cry... and then most of the time, when I think of Brian, I smile or laugh or just remember and wish silently, but tears don't come because life has continued and time has healed. We've moved on in life, which seems callous to say, but it isn't and it is a good thing. Brian would never have wanted me or any of my family or his friends to get stuck in the past crying over him every thought of him. He'd want us to remember his smile, his laugh, and his love for the Lord.
Thanks for my best friend, I was reminded of this story yesterday. She dropped me a note to let me know she was thinking about my family this week and then told me her favorite Brian story... so here goes.
We were at a 50th anniversary party for my extended family. Brian and I and our family cousins were sitting at the end of a long table of people. You know, the long dinner tables that have like 20 people around them and bouquets at each end as centerpieces for the table....
Wait. I should preference this story by saying I was verrrrrrry gullible when I was younger. (I still have my moments!) Brian knew this and would take full advantage of it every once in a while.
... Okay, continuing on. Somehow the conversation at the table switched to what the food was in these cute bowl-like containers at the end of each table. They were circular globs of food and kinda whitish-yellow. There wasn't one at every seat, but I must have been at the end of the table and it was relatively close to my plate. I must have said something like... "What's that?"
My brother, as grand as he is, said, "Oh, that's ice cream."
"Ice cream? Really? That's strange."
"Yeah, it's vanilla ice cream. You should take a bite."
"Well, no one else has one, so it can't be ice cream."
"Well, it's special for the people at the end of the table."
Right about now, my cousins who were sitting with us chimed in. "Yeah, you're in the special seat at the table. You should take a bite."
I was pretty doubtful that they would have ice cream just for me and the other person at the end of the table, but they must have been making some pretty convincing arguments because they finally convinced me to take a very small bite. (Peer pressure, anyone?)
And yes.... it was butter.
I still remember the feeling of that pat of butter in my teeth. I didn't take a lot, but it was definitely gross and easy to tell it wasn't the beautiful scoop of ice cream I was hoping for....
Now, don't let that taint any nice guy images you have of Brian. He was a great big brother and didn't take advantage of my gullibility all too often. Just often enough to make memories and have a story to share twenty-some years down the road. :-)
So to my big brother... I can't believe I'm 32 and you passed at 30. I wish you had stayed ahead of me paving the way through life, so I'm grateful that God blessed me at the perfect time with Erik and his family in addition to my parents, Cristina and your girls and Andrew and baby #5, your nephews Brody and Brayden, and your future niece/nephew Baby #3. You are missed, loved, and remembered often. All my love.
Every year that comes, I wonder how I will commemorate the day my big brother went home to be with Jesus. This year, when Oct. 1 came, I hadn't thought much about it, and then I started to write this blog... and then I cried.
Time's a tricky thing. I remember after Brian passed and I would hear about how time healed and watch people walk through the five and ten year anniversaries and not seem as emotional as in that first year or even first moments, which I didn't ever want to be like that... but I was wrong. I am learning that every year is just as emotional as the prior year, but it comes out in different ways. Every anniversary is a chance to remember and cry and reflect and wish it had never happened... and that's okay. It's okay to miss, it's okay to love, it's okay to wish they were still here. And I do.
The anniversary and his birthday and his wedding anniversary--those special days--are all days to remember and cry... and then most of the time, when I think of Brian, I smile or laugh or just remember and wish silently, but tears don't come because life has continued and time has healed. We've moved on in life, which seems callous to say, but it isn't and it is a good thing. Brian would never have wanted me or any of my family or his friends to get stuck in the past crying over him every thought of him. He'd want us to remember his smile, his laugh, and his love for the Lord.
Thanks for my best friend, I was reminded of this story yesterday. She dropped me a note to let me know she was thinking about my family this week and then told me her favorite Brian story... so here goes.
We were at a 50th anniversary party for my extended family. Brian and I and our family cousins were sitting at the end of a long table of people. You know, the long dinner tables that have like 20 people around them and bouquets at each end as centerpieces for the table....
Wait. I should preference this story by saying I was verrrrrrry gullible when I was younger. (I still have my moments!) Brian knew this and would take full advantage of it every once in a while.
... Okay, continuing on. Somehow the conversation at the table switched to what the food was in these cute bowl-like containers at the end of each table. They were circular globs of food and kinda whitish-yellow. There wasn't one at every seat, but I must have been at the end of the table and it was relatively close to my plate. I must have said something like... "What's that?"
My brother, as grand as he is, said, "Oh, that's ice cream."
"Ice cream? Really? That's strange."
"Yeah, it's vanilla ice cream. You should take a bite."
"Well, no one else has one, so it can't be ice cream."
"Well, it's special for the people at the end of the table."
Right about now, my cousins who were sitting with us chimed in. "Yeah, you're in the special seat at the table. You should take a bite."
I was pretty doubtful that they would have ice cream just for me and the other person at the end of the table, but they must have been making some pretty convincing arguments because they finally convinced me to take a very small bite. (Peer pressure, anyone?)
And yes.... it was butter.
I still remember the feeling of that pat of butter in my teeth. I didn't take a lot, but it was definitely gross and easy to tell it wasn't the beautiful scoop of ice cream I was hoping for....
Now, don't let that taint any nice guy images you have of Brian. He was a great big brother and didn't take advantage of my gullibility all too often. Just often enough to make memories and have a story to share twenty-some years down the road. :-)
So to my big brother... I can't believe I'm 32 and you passed at 30. I wish you had stayed ahead of me paving the way through life, so I'm grateful that God blessed me at the perfect time with Erik and his family in addition to my parents, Cristina and your girls and Andrew and baby #5, your nephews Brody and Brayden, and your future niece/nephew Baby #3. You are missed, loved, and remembered often. All my love.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
so you want me to believe like you do?
To all the people out there who would like to convince me that I'm believing wrong,
Before I give you a few tips on how you can get me to change my beliefs, let me point out this. You won't change my beliefs. I have based my beliefs, as best as I know how, on the Word of God. The only person who can change that is... oh wait, they're not going to change. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will change what I believe because I believe I have my foundation in the right place (the Word).
I have a feeling you probably feel the same way... you are settled in what you believe and your beliefs are not open for discussion. In fact, you are so passionate about what you believe, you are trying to convince me and others like me that I am wrong.
The problem is, you're going about it the wrong way. Here's what I mean:
1. Throwing out rude accusations and pointing fingers at why this and this and this in my belief system is wrong isn't going to make me suddenly go, "Oh my goodness, why didn't I think of that?"
2. Pushy behavior and antics are annoying. My beliefs have developed over a lifetime of learning and experience, and a Facebook or blog post about your beliefs or you contradicting my beliefs directly won't make me suddenly decide I'm wrong.
3. Have you ever tried to legitimately listen to my beliefs without preconceived ideas of what I think? Too many times, you come at me and say, "Here's my biblical proof! How dare you believe anything different because I am right!" Yes, I'm guilty of coming back at you with my biblical proof and my own preconceived ideas just to show you my proof, but I've learned that you're not going to listen to me just like I'm not going to listen to you because we're already set in our beliefs.
4. Perhaps the best way you can win me to your point of view, if you really think I am desperately in need of a belief change, is by living a life that makes me want to become like you or wonder what made you that way... and then if I come across a situation where my belief system isn't working for some reason, I can come ask you questions and approach you personally. Then, and only then, would I be open to change.
There you go. Don't waste your time by trying to verbally convince me or other people who believe differently than you to change our beliefs, unless we are specifically asking you for your opinion and reasons why you believe what you believe. Make people want to get to know what you believe by the way you live, not because of your smooth talking words.
Sincerely,
Someone who is tired of the arguing
Brayden update - 19.5 months
Wow. I thought I'd be blogging a lot more, like I did last time during my pregnancy, but this is a completely different season of life! This time I have a little munchkin around who would love to watch VeggieTales on my computer any time he sees me on it! That means my time on the computer is limited... and when I do have it open, I am working!
Yesterday was my birthday and it was filled with special memories including Brayden taking his nap next to me on the couch.
Awwwww! Love it! And I think that's graham cracker or peanut butter on his cheek...
Then I saw this pic on my phone from just a few months after he was born.
He's changed a lot, yet he still has his look... similar pics yet different, you know? You probably know that from your family and maybe even your own pictures how much looks changes... and yet still stay the same over time!
We also made fun birthday memories earlier this week at Red Robin. Erik and I share the same birthday month so we both get free burgers when we eat at Red Robin. It's one of my favorite meals that I walk out feeling extra full from... awesome burger, unlimited fries, onion rings, and freckled (strawberry) lemonade. Oh, and a birthday sundae, if you dare to leave room for that.
I asked for a Red Robin balloon for Brayden on the way out. Brayden was pretty intrigued by it until the RR employee put it on his wrist (so he wouldn't lose it). He started to cry! Very upset, although we couldn't figure out why. I held it until we got in the car. Once he was in his carseat, I passed it back to him, and then he realized the wonders of this thing called a balloon... you can bat it, shake it, play with it... he loved it then! Erik held onto it with Brayden while we walked indoors so we didn't have a lose-your-balloon-to-the-sky episode. Then Brayden walked around proudly with it inside. He was upset when it floated to the ceiling a few times, but Erik rescued it.
Brayden was pretty stumped in the morning though when the balloon was no longer in the air and would not float above him, but only dragged on the floor behind him. Once he got over the intrigue of the situation, he walked around with it proudly trailing behind him.
Love that boy. So much fun to watch him discover things!
He doesn't like when he doesn't get things he wants...
He also has a new squinty-eyed smile that is adorable...
All for now! Have a great Labor Day weekend!
P.s. I'm just a couple days away from halfway through this pregnancy. All is going well. Doc appointment this week to take a peek at baby, although we're going to keep the surprise of boy/girl until January. Excited!
Yesterday was my birthday and it was filled with special memories including Brayden taking his nap next to me on the couch.
Awwwww! Love it! And I think that's graham cracker or peanut butter on his cheek...
Then I saw this pic on my phone from just a few months after he was born.
He's changed a lot, yet he still has his look... similar pics yet different, you know? You probably know that from your family and maybe even your own pictures how much looks changes... and yet still stay the same over time!
We also made fun birthday memories earlier this week at Red Robin. Erik and I share the same birthday month so we both get free burgers when we eat at Red Robin. It's one of my favorite meals that I walk out feeling extra full from... awesome burger, unlimited fries, onion rings, and freckled (strawberry) lemonade. Oh, and a birthday sundae, if you dare to leave room for that.
I asked for a Red Robin balloon for Brayden on the way out. Brayden was pretty intrigued by it until the RR employee put it on his wrist (so he wouldn't lose it). He started to cry! Very upset, although we couldn't figure out why. I held it until we got in the car. Once he was in his carseat, I passed it back to him, and then he realized the wonders of this thing called a balloon... you can bat it, shake it, play with it... he loved it then! Erik held onto it with Brayden while we walked indoors so we didn't have a lose-your-balloon-to-the-sky episode. Then Brayden walked around proudly with it inside. He was upset when it floated to the ceiling a few times, but Erik rescued it.
Brayden was pretty stumped in the morning though when the balloon was no longer in the air and would not float above him, but only dragged on the floor behind him. Once he got over the intrigue of the situation, he walked around with it proudly trailing behind him.
Love that boy. So much fun to watch him discover things!
He doesn't like when he doesn't get things he wants...
He also has a new squinty-eyed smile that is adorable...
All for now! Have a great Labor Day weekend!
P.s. I'm just a couple days away from halfway through this pregnancy. All is going well. Doc appointment this week to take a peek at baby, although we're going to keep the surprise of boy/girl until January. Excited!
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