I miss you a lot today. I picked up your birth certificate from the county. The guy who helped me was so nice. He teared up when he realized that although you were born, you're now in heaven. He shared some of his story with me and it was nice to know that even strangers support me and wish I didn't have to go through this. I was probably one of the few people who leave a county service center crying.
I was talking to your dad today and wondered out loud if you have his sense of humor. I love picturing your little profile pic from your 19-week ultrasound. I'm excited to see pictures from your birthday so I can remember your precious little face. I know they will be tough to see, but they will definitely make me smile. Those moments with you were some of the proudest moments of my life.
I so wish you could have stayed around, but I know heaven has no pain, so I'm so relieved and happy that you are in a good place, even better than where daddy and I are at... such a weird thing to comprehend! I wonder what you'll look like when I see you in heaven. I've heard a bunch of speculation and stories from people. I kinda hope you'll still be a little kid up there so daddy and I can watch you grow up, at least a little, but only God knows how age and time and all that stuff works in heaven.
It's kinda tough to realize that unless Jesus interrupts life as we know it with the rapture, I'll be spending lots of time here on earth before coming to see you. I know time does fly, but that's still a good chunk of time to fly by. I know, in hindsight, once we're in eternity and with Jesus, it will all be just a blink of an eye. I can't comprehend that right now, but it is good to know.
I know some really good kids down here on earth who would have been your playmates... and maybe even a few girls that you could have married in the future! hehe hehe... funny how your mommy thinks. There's this one boy named Aiden who is really the loudest two-year-old I know, but he's super, super wonderful! He would have been your pseudo-big brother. He already plays the drums on his own drum set and every time he sees your daddy he starts to sing the theme song to "Flyway Highway," a fishing show. Makes me smile.
I could go on about the kids you would have played with, but I won't. You're probably watching from heaven and already know about all these kids. :) That's what Jesus tells us in the Bible - Hebrews 12 - that a great cloud of witnesses is watching what we are doing and cheering us on here on earth. I think that's where you and Brian are. Know that daddy and I love you a lot. We wish you were here, but are super glad you are safe and God has adopted you into his family. He's a wonderful daddy. He's my daddy too... isn't that funny? He's your daddy right now and my daddy and daddy's daddy (and the list could go on... He's daddy to a lot of people, but then you probably learned that quickly up there in heaven!).
One day we're going to have another baby here on earth. It's a little intimidating to go through that whole pregnancy process again, since all my memories about pregnancy have to do with you, but know that you will always be our firstborn son. You and your memories will never be replaced, but you'll always be a part of our family. Your brothers and sisters will know about you and be super excited to meet you when they meet Jesus one day too.
For the record, I really hope you have daddy's eyes and nose and that you get that same mischievous glint in your eye that he does. (Can you get a mischievous glint in your eye in heaven???)
Daddy's coming home soon from work, so I'm going to start on dinner, and then get a big hug from him. Know that I love you and we're always remembering you with love.