Friday, October 5, 2012

three years.

It's been three years.

They are right. Time helps.

They are wrong. Time makes it worse.

In a sense, both of those statements are true. Time helps. I don't ache daily or weekly. I ache occasionally over missing my brother who passed away three years ago today. The ache, though, almost goes deeper as time passes. It's not as urgent or as often, but it's deeper as milestones pass and you miss them and wish they could be there to celebrate. Their laugh is farther removed from your memory, although always ingrained. Their smile is there, but you wish you remember it better.

His thirty years of life seemed young, but somewhat old when I was 28. Now that I'm 31 and Erik is 32, thirty seems oh so young. I can't fathom that I have lived on earth longer than my brother.

National Sibling Day was a week or so ago. I loved all the pics of siblings, but I missed my own.

I had the best time a few weeks ago though. Erik found a public crab apple tree and picked a bunch of apples for us to make homemade applesauce and apple juice, a tradition for both of our families. I even raided my mom's house when she was gone to get her apple masher thing. (She knew about it!) While we were making the applesauce, I watched the heated, mushy apples seep through the sides of the masher and memories came of me mushing it in my parent's house and Brian sitting at the counter and mom heating up more apples.... of Brian eating his applesauce cold and me eating mine hot... I looked at Erik and said, "This brings back such good memories of Brian" and then I smiled. I was so happy. He looked back and said, "Good."

Those are the kind of memories that are extra wonderful: You smile and feel like he's right there.

So three years. So much has happened. Dearest Brian, you are loved like crazy and missed like crazy. You are still thought about so often and we wish you were here with us. Although our family is amazing and doing well, it will never be quite the same without you in it. Your girls are beautiful and remind us of you and I was staring at Brayden once and I could just picture you too... somehow you live on in us... yeah, sounds super cliched and "new age-y" but it makes sense too.

You are loved and missed dearly.

Love, your sis.

1 comment:

  1. Love this Laura. I am enjoying the "writer" in you. I miss Brian too. Very fun to get your applesauce story. You are so right about age 30. It is nothing. It does sound bad when you are not yet there.