33 weeks tomorrow and doctor appt yesterday. My doc said at the appt., "I would have never known you had an incompetent cervix."
Thinking about that statement just makes me want to praise God. After my water broke during my first pregnancy at 20 weeks, Erik and I had to face the idea that my body may not be able to carry a baby to completion--and it definitely wouldn't be able to without help. There was hope that a cerclage would make it be possible, but there was certainly a bleak feeling of "you just don't know what will happen in the future."
Looking back at Brayden's pregnancy (#2), I faced so much fear... held on to some, overcame it other times. I was so nervous until he was safe in my arms. In fact, every muscle twinge and every uncertain feeling was cause for concern that Brayden wasn't safe. Looking back, I know he was probably not at risk during much of it, thanks to the cerclage and limited lifting and limited activity.
Jase's pregnancy was a lot better than Brayden's. I was able to relax more and do more things because I knew I had made it successfully through it once before. I had more joy, less fear and less scares, but I still was cautious. The biggest thing I couldn't do then was lift Brayden, who was only 1 1/2 years old and still needed a lot of lifting!
(Shout out to all my family and friends who helped so extensively during all of my pregnancies!!!! I'm SO grateful that you helped make our family possible!)
Now, during this pregnancy, it almost feels like a redemption pregnancy. My kids are old enough to take care of themselves (generally, speaking)... they can do so much on their own and they can help around the house. I've been able to be the most active of all the pregnancies and have done my best to truly enjoy getting out and about and being pregnant, something that I missed when the fear was prevalent during earlier ones.
I can't say I haven't battled fear. After I passed the 24 week mark, I got over the fear that I was going to disappoint my little boys and not have the sister for them that we had promised. Every week that has gone by has strengthened my confidence... not that it hasn't been without its share of troubles. I still have to tell my boys I can't do certain things they want to do because I need to rest or can't lift/exercise/run, etc. I know that period will come to end, however, and those moments won't be prevalent in their minds. I've had some nerves, but I usually tried to go with my gut/mothering instinct or ask the doctor what I need to be aware of. Now, I hear my doctor say that everything is perfect and... wow. every day brings us closer. It's been a LONG wait. Well, probably the "shortest" wait of all three babies I've had, but it's still so long to wait for something when you have restrictions. Maybe one day I'll know how to put that into words, but I feel for people in those long waiting periods.
In addition to relying on God, one key that has got me through this is focusing on and picturing the days in the hospital showing off my daughter. Thinking through and imagining what it all will be like. Remembering the sleepless nights and how they seem to be all worth it when you hold your baby in your arms.
So yeah... because I've been able to be more active and more confident this pregnancy, I haven't blogged as much during it, but I wanted to get some of this out there on "paper." So there you go. That's my pregnancy update. All is well... God is amazing.