It's starting to sink in that reality is returning, and I'm not sure that I like it. I remember going through this after Brian passed. It's so hard to get back into a regular routine and see life happen as normal all around you when you've just had a big tragedy happen. You want to stop and scream, "Something horrible happened in my life!"
I'm grateful that I'm not alone in this feeling. I know it's completely normal to think like this, and right now I don't have those feelings quite as intense as they were with Brian. I think it's because I know life will return to normal, but it's a new normal. Something has changed in Erik and I and Brody's life will always be a part of us. In fact, one of our desires is to have Brody's life keep speaking here on earth, even though he is in heaven.
The only way to really deal with these feelings of "Ack! Reality!" is by taking it slow, one day at a time. I still have an official three more weeks before my body gets back to pre-pregnancy, so I do need to be aware of that. I also need to know that even though reality is returning, I can still heal. It's okay to cry and have moments of processing my grief. I just can't wallow in it!
I'm reminded of something that happened to me years ago after I had gone through a bit of difficulty and was having a bunch of bad days in a row. I was taking the bus to my internship at the time and I looked around at all the people who were in the bus with me. I thought, "How many of these people are going through something traumatic right now and no one knows because they have to get back into reality?"
How many times have I criticized how someone was acting not realizing that their mom just died or they just finalized a divorce or something tragic just happened? Obviously, you can't justify sin because of someone's grief, but you can give them grace for a bad attitude or an imperfect response to your question. Everyone is facing difficulties. Even though our difficulty is the most obvious one to us, always remember to give people a lot of grace for they might be going through something difficult too.
By the way, I know that there aren't any good words to say about what just happened to Erik and me, and that's okay. If you want to ask how I'm doing next time I see you, that's okay. If you want to ask about Brody, that's okay too. If you don't want to say anything at all, that's okay. Here's a link to that blog I mentioned in another post where she talked about how to help a grieving friend. I haven't read all of it, but the parts I did read helped a lot. Maybe it will help you too - not just for this situation, but for any situation where one of your friends is grieving.
http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/how-to-help-your-grieving-friend/
God is with me and God is with you, even in our grief. Hugs.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Brody's name
I just looked at my past blogs and realized that I never posted about our 19-week ultrasound, so I want to backtrack a little. Erik and I REALLY wanted a boy. We both had good experiences with older brothers -- he loved being the older brother and protecting his sister and I loved having an older brother. I ALWAYS wanted to have a boy first because of Brian.
Within the first few moments of the ultrasound, the technician asked if we wanted to know the gender. We immediately said yes. Well, within a few moments, we saw clearly that it was a boy. It was super funny because the moment came and went so quickly that I had to blink and blink again then look at Erik a few minutes later and mouth, "We're having a boy! Ack!"
I was SO excited. I think one of my favorite parts was the fact that my brother, Brian, would have a little boy who could be named after him. It just seemed right to have his name carried on somehow. We had been thinking about names for a few months. We had debated a few different options because we wanted a unique name, but I did like the idea of honoring Brian somehow.
I knew I couldn't name my baby, Brian, for a first name because that would be too weird to have a Brian in my house. When we came across the name Brody, Erik and I didn't immediately throw out the name. Something about it stuck, and we kept going back to it. We considered some middle names to put with it, and when we paired it with my dad's name, it seemed perfect. Brody Mark Wegener. The reason it was perfect is because my brother's name was Brian Mark Baker. Brody Mark seemed like the perfect way to honor my brother because the name was similar to his, but unique, and it honored my dad at the same time, who played a huge part in Brian's life, especially as Brian walked through the last few years here on earth.
I looked up what Brody meant and found out it meant muddy waters or something funny like that, but then in one specific language it meant brothers, which again just made me think of Brian.
Oh and on a fun note, the initials of Brody Mark Wegener are BMW. :-) Both Erik and Brian LOVE cars and BMWs and fast cars and cool cars. I figured we'd nickname him Beamer. Heh heh... Uncle Brian is probably calling him Beamer up in heaven or something!!!
Anyway, after we made all the phone calls to family that we were having a boy, we looked at each other and decided Brody Mark Wegener would be the perfect name for him. So glad we decided that. I love the name and it's perfect for our little boy.
Hugs to you, Brody. I miss you and love you! Tell Uncle Brian I said hi and love him and that he needs to take good care of you! Also, tell Jesus that I love Him. So glad you are with Him. He'll take the best care of you.
Within the first few moments of the ultrasound, the technician asked if we wanted to know the gender. We immediately said yes. Well, within a few moments, we saw clearly that it was a boy. It was super funny because the moment came and went so quickly that I had to blink and blink again then look at Erik a few minutes later and mouth, "We're having a boy! Ack!"
I was SO excited. I think one of my favorite parts was the fact that my brother, Brian, would have a little boy who could be named after him. It just seemed right to have his name carried on somehow. We had been thinking about names for a few months. We had debated a few different options because we wanted a unique name, but I did like the idea of honoring Brian somehow.
I knew I couldn't name my baby, Brian, for a first name because that would be too weird to have a Brian in my house. When we came across the name Brody, Erik and I didn't immediately throw out the name. Something about it stuck, and we kept going back to it. We considered some middle names to put with it, and when we paired it with my dad's name, it seemed perfect. Brody Mark Wegener. The reason it was perfect is because my brother's name was Brian Mark Baker. Brody Mark seemed like the perfect way to honor my brother because the name was similar to his, but unique, and it honored my dad at the same time, who played a huge part in Brian's life, especially as Brian walked through the last few years here on earth.
I looked up what Brody meant and found out it meant muddy waters or something funny like that, but then in one specific language it meant brothers, which again just made me think of Brian.
Oh and on a fun note, the initials of Brody Mark Wegener are BMW. :-) Both Erik and Brian LOVE cars and BMWs and fast cars and cool cars. I figured we'd nickname him Beamer. Heh heh... Uncle Brian is probably calling him Beamer up in heaven or something!!!
Anyway, after we made all the phone calls to family that we were having a boy, we looked at each other and decided Brody Mark Wegener would be the perfect name for him. So glad we decided that. I love the name and it's perfect for our little boy.
Hugs to you, Brody. I miss you and love you! Tell Uncle Brian I said hi and love him and that he needs to take good care of you! Also, tell Jesus that I love Him. So glad you are with Him. He'll take the best care of you.
Friday, December 3, 2010
processing my grief
My lovely friend, April, passed on to me a blog she thought I might enjoy. The mom has a bunch of kids on earth and one daughter in heaven. www.mollypiper.com
She posted this after posting a happy picture of her and her husband when she was 36 weeks along with her baby girl a few years ago.
Today, memories like this [picture] make me cry—hard. We had no idea that we were a few weeks away from one of the worst tragedies we’ll ever face.
So if you’re a mom like me, living without one (or more) of your children, take heart that this is indeed one of the hardest things you will ever live through. But that also means that you lived.
The lines around your eyes will deepen. But that also means you’ve seen. You’ve seen the chaos of pain. Your eyes have and will shed tears for people in their pain that you could’ve never understood before. This is a blessed gift.
Hold on with me. We’re gonna make it. We might not be the happy-go-lucky gals we used to be, but our lives here will tell stories of indescribable loss and the love of a God who made us to be exactly who we are—every line, every gray hair. None of it is wasted.
I'm reposting that because it helps me right now. I'm having a rough morning missing Brody and missing the what ifs and the could have beens and memories that we were going to make with him on earth.
Here's another post where I put my name in where appropriate:
I want to assure you that I feel really held by the Lord. I feel safe. ... So there’s got to be something for me in this. There has to be. ... I want to see the beauty of what God has for me here. It means that some days are really hard. It means that I’m going to places in my soul that I didn’t know existed before this. It means that I’m a different person. But I’m getting more comfortable with the [Laura] who’s been asked to bear this grief. I’m relaxing into the transformation a little more now.
I wish every day that [in the future] I would get to hear [Brody's] new words, listen to [his] post-nap singing, change [his] stinky diapers. Yet I know that losing [him] has changed me more than getting to raise [him]would have. That’s a hard reality, but it’s the reality I live with.
Lord, make it something beautiful.
I'm reading through her blog backwards (recent posts first) so I still have plenty of posts I can read that will surely help me as I walk through missing Brody.
I just wrote to someone, I feel guilty for being happy that he's safe with Jesus, but I feel selfish for wanting him here. It's an odd paradox that I'm just not sure what to do with. This author who I quoted has had almost 3 years I think to process her loss, and I'm going on a few weeks, so I know I have a long way to go, but I remind myself of a few things.
1. One of our good friends told us in the hospital on Tuesday morning (the day after my water broke) that God believes in us. He believes we can make it through this journey. He believes we can make it through without falling away from Him or become a worse-off person than before. That phrase "God believes in me" has stuck with me.
2. God will never give us more than we can handle - 1 Corinthians 10:13. Yes, I sometimes feel like screaming out, Are you kidding me? I can't handle this! But God obviously thinks more of me than I think of myself. (Again, see point #1.)
3. One of my pastor's favorite verses in James 1:2-4. It tells us to consider it joy when you fall into various temptations/tests/trials because the testing of your faith worketh patience. I get that. We can be happy when we grow in our faith, even if it means going through a difficult time. Beyond that though is verse 5. I've never really made the connection between verses 2-4 and verse 5, which says that God gives wisdom to those who ask. The time of a trial in your life is exactly when you need wisdom, because any time you go through something difficult, you will hit those times of "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now." That's when you can ask God for wisdom.
My mom is here now to make lunch. I think we'll watch something on Food Network too. All for now~
She posted this after posting a happy picture of her and her husband when she was 36 weeks along with her baby girl a few years ago.
Today, memories like this [picture] make me cry—hard. We had no idea that we were a few weeks away from one of the worst tragedies we’ll ever face.
So if you’re a mom like me, living without one (or more) of your children, take heart that this is indeed one of the hardest things you will ever live through. But that also means that you lived.
The lines around your eyes will deepen. But that also means you’ve seen. You’ve seen the chaos of pain. Your eyes have and will shed tears for people in their pain that you could’ve never understood before. This is a blessed gift.
Hold on with me. We’re gonna make it. We might not be the happy-go-lucky gals we used to be, but our lives here will tell stories of indescribable loss and the love of a God who made us to be exactly who we are—every line, every gray hair. None of it is wasted.
I'm reposting that because it helps me right now. I'm having a rough morning missing Brody and missing the what ifs and the could have beens and memories that we were going to make with him on earth.
Here's another post where I put my name in where appropriate:
I want to assure you that I feel really held by the Lord. I feel safe. ... So there’s got to be something for me in this. There has to be. ... I want to see the beauty of what God has for me here. It means that some days are really hard. It means that I’m going to places in my soul that I didn’t know existed before this. It means that I’m a different person. But I’m getting more comfortable with the [Laura] who’s been asked to bear this grief. I’m relaxing into the transformation a little more now.
I wish every day that [in the future] I would get to hear [Brody's] new words, listen to [his] post-nap singing, change [his] stinky diapers. Yet I know that losing [him] has changed me more than getting to raise [him]would have. That’s a hard reality, but it’s the reality I live with.
Lord, make it something beautiful.
I'm reading through her blog backwards (recent posts first) so I still have plenty of posts I can read that will surely help me as I walk through missing Brody.
I just wrote to someone, I feel guilty for being happy that he's safe with Jesus, but I feel selfish for wanting him here. It's an odd paradox that I'm just not sure what to do with. This author who I quoted has had almost 3 years I think to process her loss, and I'm going on a few weeks, so I know I have a long way to go, but I remind myself of a few things.
1. One of our good friends told us in the hospital on Tuesday morning (the day after my water broke) that God believes in us. He believes we can make it through this journey. He believes we can make it through without falling away from Him or become a worse-off person than before. That phrase "God believes in me" has stuck with me.
2. God will never give us more than we can handle - 1 Corinthians 10:13. Yes, I sometimes feel like screaming out, Are you kidding me? I can't handle this! But God obviously thinks more of me than I think of myself. (Again, see point #1.)
3. One of my pastor's favorite verses in James 1:2-4. It tells us to consider it joy when you fall into various temptations/tests/trials because the testing of your faith worketh patience. I get that. We can be happy when we grow in our faith, even if it means going through a difficult time. Beyond that though is verse 5. I've never really made the connection between verses 2-4 and verse 5, which says that God gives wisdom to those who ask. The time of a trial in your life is exactly when you need wisdom, because any time you go through something difficult, you will hit those times of "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now." That's when you can ask God for wisdom.
My mom is here now to make lunch. I think we'll watch something on Food Network too. All for now~
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
in case you want to know...
One reason I'm a tired girl right now and get tired very easily is because I did go through labor with Brody. Because he was born early, parts of it actually were worse than normal for me physically. One of the effects I'm dealing with right now is that my hemoglobin is low. It was low enough that they could actually have done a blood transfer, but it wasn't dangerously low where they would have to do a blood transfer (thank you, Lord!). In order to get my blood back to normal, I opted to take iron pills and do my best to eat iron filled greens and meats and other foods. One of the effects though of the low hemoglobin is tiredness. It's pretty crazy because I can do stuff around the house for a half hour or hour and I'm wiped and ready for a nap! So my challenge over the next few weeks will be to figure out how to get enough sleep, take care of my body, and not overdo it.
All for now... working today, but highly contemplating a nap!!!
All for now... working today, but highly contemplating a nap!!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
one tired mommy
I am a very tired mommy right now. Yes, I am a mommy, but no, I don't look like the mommy every one pictures when they think of a mommy. I'm a mommy whose child made it to heaven before she did. I'm a mommy who got to spend a few precious moments with my baby before passing him on to Jesus.
I don't think my head has wrapped around what exactly has happened or what I'm missing out on. Some of it has sunk it, but not all of it. I do know that the Lord gave us a precious gift: the gift of life in our firstborn son. He also gave us another precious gift: eternal life. The thought that He gave that directly to our son is pretty overwhelming. As much as I wish he was on earth, it is comforting to know he's in a much better place with Jesus.
Yeah, I don't have all the answers and don't know exactly what to think or feel, and from what everyone says, I don't need to know. But I do know that I am very grateful for everyone's support and prayers. It's incredible to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and know that love and God's grace is what supports you through the most difficult of circumstances.
I know that God has to be doing something in me to be able to look back on the past two weeks and find good in it. I was talking with my sister-in-law and she said the same thing. It's odd because it's a tragedy that we lost our son early and our vision and hope for our immediate future had drastically changed... but somehow God shines on the good in the middle of that.
Thank you so much for your support. It's amazing and I'm truly grateful for the imprint each one of you have left in my family's lives.
I don't think my head has wrapped around what exactly has happened or what I'm missing out on. Some of it has sunk it, but not all of it. I do know that the Lord gave us a precious gift: the gift of life in our firstborn son. He also gave us another precious gift: eternal life. The thought that He gave that directly to our son is pretty overwhelming. As much as I wish he was on earth, it is comforting to know he's in a much better place with Jesus.
Yeah, I don't have all the answers and don't know exactly what to think or feel, and from what everyone says, I don't need to know. But I do know that I am very grateful for everyone's support and prayers. It's incredible to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and know that love and God's grace is what supports you through the most difficult of circumstances.
I know that God has to be doing something in me to be able to look back on the past two weeks and find good in it. I was talking with my sister-in-law and she said the same thing. It's odd because it's a tragedy that we lost our son early and our vision and hope for our immediate future had drastically changed... but somehow God shines on the good in the middle of that.
Thank you so much for your support. It's amazing and I'm truly grateful for the imprint each one of you have left in my family's lives.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Brody Mark Wegener, our firstborn son
Brody Mark Wegener was born Saturday, November 20, 2010 at 3:15 p.m. He spent an hour with his parents before going home to Uncle Brian, Grandpa Pulaski, other family, and Jesus. He will be missed greatly and left a wonderful imprint on our lives. We will always remember our firstborn son.
Thoughts, processing, and journaling will come later.
Thanks for all your prayers during this time. It has been felt and we wouldn't make it through without your support.
P.S. Just so you know, we're taking it really slow on visitors and phone calls right now. Thanks and much love.
Thoughts, processing, and journaling will come later.
Thanks for all your prayers during this time. It has been felt and we wouldn't make it through without your support.
P.S. Just so you know, we're taking it really slow on visitors and phone calls right now. Thanks and much love.
Friday, November 19, 2010
life can change in a second
Hi everyone!
Apparently I've been really quiet on my blog for a while, but I have a feeling I'll be blogging a lot more, because I am almost 21 weeks pregnant and now on bedrest. The short story is that last Monday morning, I woke up to go to the bathroom as normal, and my water broke. Erik quickly called 911 and the police and ambulance were at my quiet little neighborhood making a ruckus in just a few minutes. On a side note, Tucker was so excited to see the flashing lights and have the men come into our house, and he was VERY disappointed when the men on a mission kinda shoved him away. :-)
We had our first ambulance ride, Erik in the front and me in the back. And, yes, both of us were slightly disappointed that they didn't turn on the lights and go full speed for the hospital. They stopped at stoplights and everything! Given my situation, they wanted to keep me stable and steady as opposed to jerking through traffic. I suppose if my arm was hanging halfway off my shoulder and blood was gushing everywhere, they might have used the lights!
That day at the hospital was really rough. An ultrasound showed that the baby had no amniotic fluid (it had leaked out), the baby's heartbeat was stressed, I had a small infection and/or fever (don't really remember!), and I was having small contractions. I think everyone at the hospital assumed I would go into labor.
The good news is I didn't. Brody's heartbeat calmed down and the infection/fever went away. On day 4, I was able to go home to my parents so my mom ("Nurse Martha") can take care of me. Erik is here too. It's much more relaxing at here than the hospital!!
We have a long road ahead... so if you'd like to join us in prayer, please agree with us that my body is filled with the health and life of God and Brody's has miraculous healthy development and he can stay in me a long time. Specifically, no infection in my body or Brody's, that my body would not go into labor yet, that Brody could be surrounded by extra amniotic fluid and that the fluid would stay in me.
Thank you so much for every prayer, message, phone call, etc. It helps so very much.
Love you all!
Apparently I've been really quiet on my blog for a while, but I have a feeling I'll be blogging a lot more, because I am almost 21 weeks pregnant and now on bedrest. The short story is that last Monday morning, I woke up to go to the bathroom as normal, and my water broke. Erik quickly called 911 and the police and ambulance were at my quiet little neighborhood making a ruckus in just a few minutes. On a side note, Tucker was so excited to see the flashing lights and have the men come into our house, and he was VERY disappointed when the men on a mission kinda shoved him away. :-)
We had our first ambulance ride, Erik in the front and me in the back. And, yes, both of us were slightly disappointed that they didn't turn on the lights and go full speed for the hospital. They stopped at stoplights and everything! Given my situation, they wanted to keep me stable and steady as opposed to jerking through traffic. I suppose if my arm was hanging halfway off my shoulder and blood was gushing everywhere, they might have used the lights!
That day at the hospital was really rough. An ultrasound showed that the baby had no amniotic fluid (it had leaked out), the baby's heartbeat was stressed, I had a small infection and/or fever (don't really remember!), and I was having small contractions. I think everyone at the hospital assumed I would go into labor.
The good news is I didn't. Brody's heartbeat calmed down and the infection/fever went away. On day 4, I was able to go home to my parents so my mom ("Nurse Martha") can take care of me. Erik is here too. It's much more relaxing at here than the hospital!!
We have a long road ahead... so if you'd like to join us in prayer, please agree with us that my body is filled with the health and life of God and Brody's has miraculous healthy development and he can stay in me a long time. Specifically, no infection in my body or Brody's, that my body would not go into labor yet, that Brody could be surrounded by extra amniotic fluid and that the fluid would stay in me.
Thank you so much for every prayer, message, phone call, etc. It helps so very much.
Love you all!
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