32 weeks and counting

Yay! 32 weeks and counting! So grateful to be this far in the pregnancy and to have had it go so much better than the previous ones. I'm definitely approaching it with less fear than last time solely because I have an image in my head of me making it through and delivering a healthy baby! I didn't have that last time, and I think I did a good job of doing the best I could to not worry through it, just having an image of good in my head helped tremendously! It says a lot about the importance of our imagination, that's for sure.

Here my 32 weeks pic...

One thing I remember looking at all the pics while pregnant with Brayden, I wished I had a front view of my belly too. It's perhaps not as flattering as the side view where you can measure how much you stick out, but it definitely shows Babycakes is in there!

To my dearest, littlest Babycakes, 

I am so excited to meet you! You have a fabulous family (at least I think so!), and we are excited to meet you and for Brayden to play with you, his little brother or sister. I'm thrilled about not knowing which you are. I love guessing until the last second. 

We have a couple months left to go until we get to meet you. I'm thinking you'll come in a month and a half... but just because I said that, I am also prepared for you to come in 2 months or more, lol! I've learned babies just do their own thing at times! 

Tomorrow is a special day: Thanksgiving. This year, I am thankful for your Daddy; your big brother, Brody; your other big brother, who you'll meet right away, Brayden; and you! I'm super excited to see your personality and how you blend into our family. Oh and I can't forget what will become your potentially favorite thing on earth: we have a puppy. His name is Tucker, and your brother, Brayden, adores him. You're going to have a blast with him and laugh at him probably more than you will ever laugh at me and Daddy. He's a giant - yet alive! - stuffed animal. 

Anyhoo, we're off to celebrate soon with family. 

All my love, 

Mommy

celebrating brody

So tonight I wanted to do something special as we celebrated and remembered Brody. We didn't make it out to Brody's grave, but will soon. Instead we laid low at home.

Since it's his birthday, I wanted to at have a sweet treat to celebrate. I had been pondering it for a few days - something simple but kinda fun to be a birthday cake for him. We have Halloween candy from our party at church and a bunch of them are laffy taffy. Since those candies are so hard, I decided not to ruin my teeth eating them or let Brayden or Erik either. Instead, I wanted to do my own Chopped dessert and find a recipe where I could melt the candy. (On the chopped TV show, they melt candy often and use it in recipes. I felt the need to try that myself!)

So I found a recipe for laffy taffy frosting that I could put on the leftover whoopie pies we had in the freezer from Erik's birthday.

It started out well and grand.... I got my laffy taffys out and pulled out ten cherry ones.

I threw them in a pot with some butter and milk and found out that, yes, candy can really melt down into beautiful liquid:

I started blending it with my handheld mixer. Brayden was intrigued by the noise. I was making decent progress whipping up the butter until I heard a strange noise and suddenly found butter on my shirt... and on the wall, the microwave, the knives in the knife block, all over the powdered sugar bag... and even on Erik's jacket hanging on a chair in the next room. 

Seriously... what happened? I was baffled until I saw this: 

Notice the beautifully misplaced whisk thingy? Yeah, that wasn't super great! 

Here's a sideways glimpse of the frosting and a bit of the mess... 

Now I can't say it turned out exactly as I pictured. Well, it kinda did. The cherry frosting was decent, but then I realized that adding a little bit of almond extract would make it extra amazing, since we've always enjoyed almond buttercream and cherry almond is a good combination. 

So I went for it and went to the fridge, pulled out the small extract bottle, looked at the peppermint extract bottle and thought, that seems a little off, but mostly right, put a bunch in the frosting, and then it dawned on me. Nothing about the beautiful peppermint extract carried the flavor of the almond extract my head was planning on. Total pregnancy brain moment! It definitely over flavored the frosting to be minty... but it wasn't bad enough to not eat it. 

So I grabbed two thawed chocolate whoopie pies, dolloped a bunch of frosting on each (chocolate peppermint is great, right?), added some mini chocolate chips for good measure, and then brought it over to my boys. We sat down, sang happy birthday to Brody, and enjoyed our little treat. Happy moments and happy memories and dreams of being with our little one again. 

And yes, here's the proof it must have tasted decent enough.... :-) 

happiest third birthday to my firstborn!

Today, I'm thinking of my little mister, Brody Mark Wegener. He was born 11-20-10, weighed a little less than a pound, was a little less than a foot long, and lived for a little less than an hour. He was such a trooper because he stayed in my tummy with minimal amniotic fluid for over five days. He's a fighter!

We had a beautiful funeral for him about a month after he was born; it was long enough after so I had enough time to physically recover and our family could be together. It brought nice closure to a short life that had such an impact on me and my family and who knows who else.

Sometimes I forget how much it hurts to have lost a family member... and yes, I highly dislike that I lost two of them within a little over a year (my brother and my son). Each of their legacies live on in unique ways... and every once in a while, it's good to sit down and just have a good cry that they aren't there any more and that you just miss them and want them back.

I can't explain the odd feelings I have that Brayden, although he thinks he's the oldest kid and certainly acts like the only kid because he is the only kid we're taking care of, my heart knows he's my middle child. It's so strange because it's this intangible feeling that he's not my oldest. Brody is. Like I mentioned when I said we were pregnant with our third, I am reminding myself that Brayden has no understanding about him not really being the oldest or the only kid, so his behavior will be oldest/only kid. But he will most definitely grow up knowing about his big brother in heaven.

I'm really grateful for this odd feeling though... this constant, subconscious remembrance of Brody. My guess is a lot of parents, including my own, feel that same way if they lose a child. No one else may know or everyone might know that you've lost someone, but you know, and that knowing is something you hold dear to you. They are forever a part of your heart and life.

Thanks to his grandma, Brayden has a few different books (he loves books!) on becoming a big brother and I think he has a pretty good 22-month-old grasp on the subject. I really think he'll do great once the next little miss or mister comes along in January.

Erik and I have had occasional questions from people - and we've asked ourselves these questions as well - will this be our last kid? And that's a fabulous question. I really like the idea of three kids, but I'm not sure how that will look in the future. Going through another pregnancy with light activity is rather intimidating, but the reward is great... Then we have always talked about adoption. I have no idea what the future holds, but I really like the fact that it doesn't matter what the future holds, I already have three kids. One just happens to be extremely easy to take care of... although, Brody, just so you know, I wish I were the one planning your birthday party. I do know you're in good hands.

All my love, Daddy's love, Brayden's love, and baby's love... happy birthday, Brody Mark Wegener! We love you and miss you dearly and are super excited to be reunited in heaven with you soon!

throwback thursday

Happy 29 weeks to me and baby #3... I really like that I'm just days away from the 30-week mark. I like being in that "3-" range of weeks. I also like the age Brayden is at... 22 months. He's such a doll and so fun to watch. As you can imagine, so many fun things and stories I could tell....

Instead, I'm going to do a #throwbackthursday post! Partially because I was going through my archived photos and found cute ones that I haven't done anything with, so why not post them in my "online journal"! :-)

happy birthday to mommy and daddy! August 2012... this is a favorite of mine!

at the Bachman flower show, April 2013 (Erik took the pic!)

flower show, part 2, me and my family!

a little blurry... but we were going down the slide at the children's museum, May 2013... I love his smile!

I love this one of my mom and Brayden... must have been August 2012 or so because he's in that same cute outfit from our birthday picture above

April 2013, me and Bray at a bookstore reading! 

June 2013, eating watermelon at a family picnic

hallelujah harvest 2013

Hi there!

This year, Brayden got to be a part of our church's annual Hallelujah Harvest. He got a little roasty-toasty in his full lion costume, so the video you see at the party is him in a t-shirt and his costume pants. But the pictures that follow are in his full costume. He went trick or treating at our next door neighbors (just one house!).

He did like his costume. Super nice to have just pants and a zip up hoodie! When he showed his costume to people, he'd point to the lion on his head! So cute!

tuck is waiting for brayden to come back from trick-or-treating at the neighbors

coming in from the neighbors

super excited to eat the candy he picked out ... just waiting for mom to unwrap it!

yum!

this is really nummy...

yep, I bit off the paper and everything! 

so glad I found the candy bowl... 

pregnancy update

Hi there!

As you can see, I wasn't joking. There is officially a baby in my tummy! Crazy! :-) S/he is kicking and rolling around and making his/her presence known... and yes, I am super excited we don't know what we are having! Something about not knowing until we meet the little kid makes me so happy. Yay!

25 weeks

This pregnancy is going the best out of all of them. I'm farther along than previously with no scares or concerns. This tells me two things: I have a better idea of what I can and can't do and I'm not as nervous this time around. I know in the back of my head that I did it before and I can do it again. I also have a much better picture of the end result. That propels me forward.

Don't get me wrong. This is still hard. It takes a crazy amount of guts and strength to do this again and both Erik and I have been like, Ahhhh, why are we putting ourselves through this again! Thankfully, though, this time, we remember and are still creating moments with Brayden that tucks the six months of limited activity and bedrest during his pregnancy in the far corners of our minds where they are almost unreachable. We know the same will eventually happen with number next.

During Bray's pregnancy, I had a week where I was doing limited amounts of things each day, but I did something out of the house every day. That created a minor scare that made me buckle down on bedrest so Brayden wouldn't come too early. This time, I am not repeating that. Although I have let myself go out of the house a couple times each week (with my doc's approval), I make sure I spend the next few days down doing nothing and when I'm out, I'm purposefully not walking long distances. And if my body tells me to rest or drink water or not stress or whatever, I try to comply. So the plan is that you will see me out and about to a limited degree until January when number next makes an appearance!

I have to give a shout out to all who have helped us and continue to help us! We have been extraordinarily blessed with family and friends who step up to the plate when we need help, and for that I am extremely grateful. And if you haven't yet helped but want to, you are probably on my list of people to call if I need anything--and trust me, having that list and knowing I can call you is a blessing I can't explain!

Bray and Erik have been troopers through all this. Erik is the lucky one because he gets to put Bray to bed every night and I think they have a male bonding thing going on now! I do my best to play with Bray on the floor or have him snuggle next to me and watch VeggieTales or have him crawl into his highchair and color with me. Creativity is key when your activity is limited!

One of his latest toys is the address label stickers that come from various companies in our junk mail. He loves sticking them on the sofa, on his shirt, on the chair, and then moving them some place else. I love watching his mind at work as he decided what he wants to do!

Well, that's about all for now. Thanks for your prayers. Number next will be here in 3-3.5 months! Yippee!

four years.

Four years.

Every year that comes, I wonder how I will commemorate the day my big brother went home to be with Jesus. This year, when Oct. 1 came, I hadn't thought much about it, and then I started to write this blog... and then I cried.

Time's a tricky thing. I remember after Brian passed and I would hear about how time healed and watch people walk through the five and ten year anniversaries and not seem as emotional as in that first year or even first moments, which I didn't ever want to be like that... but I was wrong. I am learning that every year is just as emotional as the prior year, but it comes out in different ways. Every anniversary is a chance to remember and cry and reflect and wish it had never happened... and that's okay. It's okay to miss, it's okay to love, it's okay to wish they were still here. And I do.

The anniversary and his birthday and his wedding anniversary--those special days--are all days to remember and cry... and then most of the time, when I think of Brian, I smile or laugh or just remember and wish silently, but tears don't come because life has continued and time has healed. We've moved on in life, which seems callous to say, but it isn't and it is a good thing. Brian would never have wanted me or any of my family or his friends to get stuck in the past crying over him every thought of him. He'd want us to remember his smile, his laugh, and his love for the Lord.

Thanks for my best friend, I was reminded of this story yesterday. She dropped me a note to let me know she was thinking about my family this week and then told me her favorite Brian story... so here goes.

We were at a 50th anniversary party for my extended family. Brian and I and our family cousins were sitting at the end of a long table of people. You know, the long dinner tables that have like 20 people around them and bouquets at each end as centerpieces for the table....

Wait. I should preference this story by saying I was verrrrrrry gullible when I was younger. (I still have my moments!) Brian knew this and would take full advantage of it every once in a while.

... Okay, continuing on. Somehow the conversation at the table switched to what the food was in these cute bowl-like containers at the end of each table. They were circular globs of food and kinda whitish-yellow. There wasn't one at every seat, but I must have been at the end of the table and it was relatively close to my plate. I must have said something like... "What's that?"

My brother, as grand as he is, said, "Oh, that's ice cream."

"Ice cream? Really? That's strange."

"Yeah, it's vanilla ice cream. You should take a bite."

"Well, no one else has one, so it can't be ice cream."

"Well, it's special for the people at the end of the table."

Right about now, my cousins who were sitting with us chimed in. "Yeah, you're in the special seat at the table. You should take a bite."

I was pretty doubtful that they would have ice cream just for me and the other person at the end of the table, but they must have been making some pretty convincing arguments because they finally convinced me to take a very small bite. (Peer pressure, anyone?)

And yes.... it was butter.

I still remember the feeling of that pat of butter in my teeth. I didn't take a lot, but it was definitely gross and easy to tell it wasn't the beautiful scoop of ice cream I was hoping for....

Now, don't let that taint any nice guy images you have of Brian. He was a great big brother and didn't take advantage of my gullibility all too often. Just often enough to make memories and have a story to share twenty-some years down the road. :-)

So to my big brother... I can't believe I'm 32 and you passed at 30. I wish you had stayed ahead of me paving the way through life, so I'm grateful that God blessed me at the perfect time with Erik and his family in addition to my parents, Cristina and your girls and Andrew and baby #5, your nephews Brody and Brayden, and your future niece/nephew Baby #3. You are missed, loved, and remembered often. All my love.