Hello, hello!
Super happy for Friday this week... it was rough. :( Erik had some bad nights of sleep in the middle of the week that just wore him out. I hate when that happens! From what we can tell everything from the surgery is improving - his heart is healing fine, but there are still other things in his body that he hasn't "kicked" out of his body yet. SOON! That's what I'm hoping and believing for. He needs multiple nights in a row of good sleep so his body can recoup and I think he needs to get off the medicine that is helping his body while his heart heals. He officially needs to be on it a few more months, but maybe he'll go off early if the doctor thinks it is okay. I think some of what he's dealing with is side effects to the medicine or at least amplified by it. After he's off the medicine, he'll be able to take fish oil and some other nutrients that will really help his body mend naturally. (He can't take them now because he's on cumidin and he can't take them together.)
That's a basic update. We both have our good days and bad days emotionally; it's been a rough road, but I thoroughly believe we're on the right road and the light is coming. We're coming quickly out of the storm we've been in!
I love being outside and enjoying the weather. Isn't it gorgeous?
All for now! Happy weekend to you!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
who leads who
I think I blogged about his last fall... maybe not... but when I'm walking my dog, I like to use a "gentle leader" that basically muzzles him slightly so he doesn't pull as hard. When we first put it on him last fall, let me tell you, it revolutionized my life! I was so taken back by the transformation that I literally felt like one of the witnesses from an infomercial: "I used to hate walking my dog, but with the gentle leader, walks are fun again!"
All that to say, Tucker has gotten used to the tugs he gets on the gentle leader, so he still pulls slightly when he wears it. Today I took him out without it, and when he began pulling on it to get to another dog, I pretty much let him lead and ran after him! I must have looked pretty silly!
One time walking Tucker I had the thought: who leads who? In my relationship with God, am I pulling God around or is He leading me where He wants me?
As Tucker's owner, I know what way is safe for him to go. Tucker would bound out into the street without supervision - especially when a leaf blows away from him or he spies a rock in the middle of the road. He doesn't know what is safe and what isn't - he has no concept of it. I have a feeling that me, as a Christian and human and non-God, I have no idea what is safe and not safe when I'm not letting God lead me.
It's funny, when I take Tuck to the dog park and he doesn't have the leader on, he pulls and pulls and pulls and strains as hard as he can to get to the park faster -- and in the process he can't hardly breathe! We always tell him, Tuck, if you just slow down and walk with me, you'll get there soon enough and not lose your breath! And yeah, he's usually too overcome with emotion to listen, but that's okay, he is a dog. :)
Just random ramblings before going down to clean the kitchen. Erik will be coming home soon. Fish tonight. I like that my husband goes and has fun for a day and brings home dinner!!! :)
All for now. Have a blessed week!
All that to say, Tucker has gotten used to the tugs he gets on the gentle leader, so he still pulls slightly when he wears it. Today I took him out without it, and when he began pulling on it to get to another dog, I pretty much let him lead and ran after him! I must have looked pretty silly!
One time walking Tucker I had the thought: who leads who? In my relationship with God, am I pulling God around or is He leading me where He wants me?
As Tucker's owner, I know what way is safe for him to go. Tucker would bound out into the street without supervision - especially when a leaf blows away from him or he spies a rock in the middle of the road. He doesn't know what is safe and what isn't - he has no concept of it. I have a feeling that me, as a Christian and human and non-God, I have no idea what is safe and not safe when I'm not letting God lead me.
It's funny, when I take Tuck to the dog park and he doesn't have the leader on, he pulls and pulls and pulls and strains as hard as he can to get to the park faster -- and in the process he can't hardly breathe! We always tell him, Tuck, if you just slow down and walk with me, you'll get there soon enough and not lose your breath! And yeah, he's usually too overcome with emotion to listen, but that's okay, he is a dog. :)
Just random ramblings before going down to clean the kitchen. Erik will be coming home soon. Fish tonight. I like that my husband goes and has fun for a day and brings home dinner!!! :)
All for now. Have a blessed week!
Monday, May 10, 2010
change
Tim Berners-Lee. Ever heard of him? How about Paul Lauterbur and Peter Mansfield?
Still drawing a blank? Okay, Noah. Thomas Edison. Adam and Eve. Paul. What about them?
Every one of these people changed the world. I could go on with a list of hundreds more who have made this world what it is today.
I think all of us have a drive to be this type of person. We want to make something of ourselves. We want to do something that makes a difference in other people's lives.
It's odd that many people don't realize they are already in a position to do so. Every choice that we make affects other people.
For example, I'm finishing up a story this week about my dad and trail mix. He loves his trail mix. Growing up, we were not allowed to pick and choose what we wanted from the trail mix. Trail mix was made to be eaten together: peanuts, M&Ms, raisins, and whatever else you like in your mix.
Despite dad's desires, I still have many memories of trying to fish out the M&Ms from the trail mix without it making a difference in the overall scheme of the bag. But no matter how hard I tried, this fact remains: if I eat all of the chocolate candy out of the trail mix, I will alter the next person's experience of an authentic handful of trail mix.
That's a simple example of how our choices affect others, yet true. My job is another, more relevant example. I write for a living. I have deadlines for my writing. If someone needs my writing to complete a project and I miss my deadline, I'm adding stress to their workload because their time line for completing their project will be crunched if they don't receive my writing on time.
One last story my husband shared with me. A man was driving on a curving road and decided his engine needed fixing. He pulled over, but didn't quite get his car all the way over to the side of the road. Half of his car stuck out in the 2-lane highway. Plus, he decided to leave his car door open while he looked into the hood of his car. Another car with two parents in the front and a child in the back was coming up and saw that their lane was blocked by this car. They swerved into oncoming traffic to miss hitting the car and the car door. A car was coming from the other direction and both parents died in a head-on collision.
What if that man who was fixing his car had decided to shut his car door or have his car completely in the shoulder of the road? That mom and dad would still be alive. Wow.
Everything we do affects people around us because we are an interdependent society. We need each other.
That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. He helps us be better than ourselves.
Of course, the person who changed the world the most is Jesus Christ. As fully God and fully man, He changed the world in a radical way and proves the point that with God, you and I can become the individuals that next change the world.
By the way... in case you're curious, Tim Berners-Lee started the World Wide Web we now know as the Internet. Paul Lauterbur and Peter Mansfield created magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). (info from forbes.com)
Still drawing a blank? Okay, Noah. Thomas Edison. Adam and Eve. Paul. What about them?
Every one of these people changed the world. I could go on with a list of hundreds more who have made this world what it is today.
I think all of us have a drive to be this type of person. We want to make something of ourselves. We want to do something that makes a difference in other people's lives.
It's odd that many people don't realize they are already in a position to do so. Every choice that we make affects other people.
For example, I'm finishing up a story this week about my dad and trail mix. He loves his trail mix. Growing up, we were not allowed to pick and choose what we wanted from the trail mix. Trail mix was made to be eaten together: peanuts, M&Ms, raisins, and whatever else you like in your mix.
Despite dad's desires, I still have many memories of trying to fish out the M&Ms from the trail mix without it making a difference in the overall scheme of the bag. But no matter how hard I tried, this fact remains: if I eat all of the chocolate candy out of the trail mix, I will alter the next person's experience of an authentic handful of trail mix.
That's a simple example of how our choices affect others, yet true. My job is another, more relevant example. I write for a living. I have deadlines for my writing. If someone needs my writing to complete a project and I miss my deadline, I'm adding stress to their workload because their time line for completing their project will be crunched if they don't receive my writing on time.
One last story my husband shared with me. A man was driving on a curving road and decided his engine needed fixing. He pulled over, but didn't quite get his car all the way over to the side of the road. Half of his car stuck out in the 2-lane highway. Plus, he decided to leave his car door open while he looked into the hood of his car. Another car with two parents in the front and a child in the back was coming up and saw that their lane was blocked by this car. They swerved into oncoming traffic to miss hitting the car and the car door. A car was coming from the other direction and both parents died in a head-on collision.
What if that man who was fixing his car had decided to shut his car door or have his car completely in the shoulder of the road? That mom and dad would still be alive. Wow.
Everything we do affects people around us because we are an interdependent society. We need each other.
That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. He helps us be better than ourselves.
Of course, the person who changed the world the most is Jesus Christ. As fully God and fully man, He changed the world in a radical way and proves the point that with God, you and I can become the individuals that next change the world.
By the way... in case you're curious, Tim Berners-Lee started the World Wide Web we now know as the Internet. Paul Lauterbur and Peter Mansfield created magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). (info from forbes.com)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Six months (or so) later...
I MISS BRIAN!!!! All of us miss him a LOT and wish we didn't need to wait until heaven to see him again. That goes for me, my parents, Cristina, our grandparents, Cristina's family. Cristina's had some hard days missing him - I can't even imagine!!!
I've had some good hard cries recently about it. It's starting to sink in that he's gone for life on earth and our life continues. Our family life is adjusting as we try to figure out this new dynamic. It stinks. :( I'm glad I do have a wonderful family though through it all.
I laughed at the thoughts going through my head during one of my recent cries.... I was at church and Keve came up for the offering song and as I heard the first notes I thought, Oh no, is this the song [that was played at Brian's funeral]? And I was desperately hoping it wasn't!!! I was tempted to leave the room so I didn't have to hear it. It just fits Brian's scenario so well that all I do is think of him when it is played. And sure enough as the chorus came around I started bawling feeling like I was crying slightly against my will!!! Erik was out of town, so thankfully my good high school friend was sitting next to me and she looked at me and knew what was going on. She let me sit there and hold her and cry it out! But the thought that made me laugh is I was considering asking Pastor Tim to never play that song again or at least let me know so I could skip church if they sang it again! I know crying is good, but I just laughed because I slightly blamed them for making me cry!:-)
They say that we have to make sure we grieve Brian well. Okay, that's well and good to say, but how do we grieve well??? "It's different for every person" is most likely the cliche that follows, so I figure for me, I remember. I talk about him. I'm glad for all of you who have listened and talked to him about me. I cry when I need to, and gradually I think that will be the grieving process for me. Oh and I ask questions and deal with those faith questions as best as I can when they come. I'll put aside what I can't answer and trust, but face those questions without burying them (as much as possible!).
Oh and if you knew Brian and you ever think of him for whatever reason, can you call/email/text/facebook me and let me know? That will make me very happy. April did that for me recently and it made my day. I think it helps knowing other people think of him too.
And just so you know, black and white words on a screen can't convey feeling, and although I'm ranting a little, I feel like I'm doing okay overall. It's insane how much I miss him some days, but those feelings come and go. Still a lot to learn.
One of my friend's grandmas passed away and she actually is singing the same song I Will Rise at the funeral today. I was happy to be able to post a little bit of what I've learned on her facebook wall. Good will come out of this in little ways like that.
I'll post about Erik soon. If you think of him, please pray for encouragement and hope, and then his continued healing.
Thanks for your love and prayers. I appreciate it more than you know.
I've had some good hard cries recently about it. It's starting to sink in that he's gone for life on earth and our life continues. Our family life is adjusting as we try to figure out this new dynamic. It stinks. :( I'm glad I do have a wonderful family though through it all.
I laughed at the thoughts going through my head during one of my recent cries.... I was at church and Keve came up for the offering song and as I heard the first notes I thought, Oh no, is this the song [that was played at Brian's funeral]? And I was desperately hoping it wasn't!!! I was tempted to leave the room so I didn't have to hear it. It just fits Brian's scenario so well that all I do is think of him when it is played. And sure enough as the chorus came around I started bawling feeling like I was crying slightly against my will!!! Erik was out of town, so thankfully my good high school friend was sitting next to me and she looked at me and knew what was going on. She let me sit there and hold her and cry it out! But the thought that made me laugh is I was considering asking Pastor Tim to never play that song again or at least let me know so I could skip church if they sang it again! I know crying is good, but I just laughed because I slightly blamed them for making me cry!:-)
They say that we have to make sure we grieve Brian well. Okay, that's well and good to say, but how do we grieve well??? "It's different for every person" is most likely the cliche that follows, so I figure for me, I remember. I talk about him. I'm glad for all of you who have listened and talked to him about me. I cry when I need to, and gradually I think that will be the grieving process for me. Oh and I ask questions and deal with those faith questions as best as I can when they come. I'll put aside what I can't answer and trust, but face those questions without burying them (as much as possible!).
Oh and if you knew Brian and you ever think of him for whatever reason, can you call/email/text/facebook me and let me know? That will make me very happy. April did that for me recently and it made my day. I think it helps knowing other people think of him too.
And just so you know, black and white words on a screen can't convey feeling, and although I'm ranting a little, I feel like I'm doing okay overall. It's insane how much I miss him some days, but those feelings come and go. Still a lot to learn.
One of my friend's grandmas passed away and she actually is singing the same song I Will Rise at the funeral today. I was happy to be able to post a little bit of what I've learned on her facebook wall. Good will come out of this in little ways like that.
I'll post about Erik soon. If you think of him, please pray for encouragement and hope, and then his continued healing.
Thanks for your love and prayers. I appreciate it more than you know.
Friday, April 2, 2010
post surgery update
So a lot of you may have followed the general facebook updates about Erik's surgery. If so, you know he's doing okay. :) The day of the surgery was pretty up and down because the surgery itself went as well as can be expected but Erik went into an irregular heartbeat later in the day and that really bummed him out. That's what the surgery is supposed to fix, but since his heart just got burned, it's susceptible to going irregular in the first few months.
If you don't really understand it all, that's okay!! It's a complicated thing. It was funny because the doctor said he'd sometimes rather be doing angioplasties so he could simply come out after a surgery and said, Yep, we opened the clogged artery, end of story. The electrical map of the heart gets more complicated and harder to explain.
Anyhoo, all that to say, we're on the road to recovery. :) Emotional ups and downs, but we will make it through. It's made me once again realize how important it is to have friends surrounding you. A lot of times Wednesday, I felt like I was just existing, and the only thing I could do was rely on people around me. So if you ever know someone going through a rough patch, offer to make them dinner, bring them flowers, write them a note, let them know you care... I know it helps!!!!
Right now I'm listening to a friend of ours give us a preview of his band's original songs and I like the songs a lot! We're getting the acoustic version (Erik and I at our house - yay!); the actual song is with electric guitar, drums, and all that. The band is called Catylyst. Our buddy is Danny Ebling and their website is http://www.facebook.com/catylyst. They just started recently but looks like things are coming along nicely for them, which is awesome to hear! They are heading into the studio tomorrow to record two songs (the ones we just heard).
Easter weekend. Yay! What a special celebration. :) I love the hope we celebrate. Such wonder! Thank you, Lord, for your beauty and grace and the redeeming power You gave to us to many years ago! It's wonderful to be with family and celebrate. We're hoping to head over to see Erik's family, but it will be dependent on how he feels tomorrow. (Our plan today has been rest, rest, rest!)
Have a wonderful Easter with your family!
If you don't really understand it all, that's okay!! It's a complicated thing. It was funny because the doctor said he'd sometimes rather be doing angioplasties so he could simply come out after a surgery and said, Yep, we opened the clogged artery, end of story. The electrical map of the heart gets more complicated and harder to explain.
Anyhoo, all that to say, we're on the road to recovery. :) Emotional ups and downs, but we will make it through. It's made me once again realize how important it is to have friends surrounding you. A lot of times Wednesday, I felt like I was just existing, and the only thing I could do was rely on people around me. So if you ever know someone going through a rough patch, offer to make them dinner, bring them flowers, write them a note, let them know you care... I know it helps!!!!
Right now I'm listening to a friend of ours give us a preview of his band's original songs and I like the songs a lot! We're getting the acoustic version (Erik and I at our house - yay!); the actual song is with electric guitar, drums, and all that. The band is called Catylyst. Our buddy is Danny Ebling and their website is http://www.facebook.com/catylyst. They just started recently but looks like things are coming along nicely for them, which is awesome to hear! They are heading into the studio tomorrow to record two songs (the ones we just heard).
Easter weekend. Yay! What a special celebration. :) I love the hope we celebrate. Such wonder! Thank you, Lord, for your beauty and grace and the redeeming power You gave to us to many years ago! It's wonderful to be with family and celebrate. We're hoping to head over to see Erik's family, but it will be dependent on how he feels tomorrow. (Our plan today has been rest, rest, rest!)
Have a wonderful Easter with your family!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
one day left
My life will change completely tomorrow.
Wow.
Tomorrow Erik goes in for heart surgery, and it's a surgery that will completely change our lives. Again... wow. I'm SO excited to see how Erik's body responds to having his heart fixed. I believe he'll actually be able to sleep for 7-8 hours straight again. He'll be able to walk up stairs as a normal person without taking a break to catch his breath. He'll be able to run with Tucker outside without his heart going into an irregular beat!
His family is coming over tonight for dinner so I need to figure out a filling recipe for our homemade ravioli (it's delicious!). I need to pack my things so I have everything I'll need for tomorrow/Thursday morning. I'm a little nervous about the unknown, and I think Erik is as well, but more than anything, we just want to walk this out!
I'm looking forward to the day when I can change my blog title. I started this when Brian was in his last days on earth. I stayed in the middle of the storm as I grieved for Brian and then watched the symptoms in Erik's body get worse. I believe God will use this surgery to completely revamp Erik's body! He and I will soon be out from the middle of the storm!!
Lord, You've been with me and my family throughout this past year. Please hold me and Erik over these next few days and help our trust in You to be deepened as we see You manifest in our lives.
It helps to write out prayers for me some times. :-) Anyhoo, I'll try to post something soon after the surgery. I will have updates on facebook as well (or at least that's the plan). It will go supernaturally well.
Okay, off to finish out my day!
Wow.
Tomorrow Erik goes in for heart surgery, and it's a surgery that will completely change our lives. Again... wow. I'm SO excited to see how Erik's body responds to having his heart fixed. I believe he'll actually be able to sleep for 7-8 hours straight again. He'll be able to walk up stairs as a normal person without taking a break to catch his breath. He'll be able to run with Tucker outside without his heart going into an irregular beat!
His family is coming over tonight for dinner so I need to figure out a filling recipe for our homemade ravioli (it's delicious!). I need to pack my things so I have everything I'll need for tomorrow/Thursday morning. I'm a little nervous about the unknown, and I think Erik is as well, but more than anything, we just want to walk this out!
I'm looking forward to the day when I can change my blog title. I started this when Brian was in his last days on earth. I stayed in the middle of the storm as I grieved for Brian and then watched the symptoms in Erik's body get worse. I believe God will use this surgery to completely revamp Erik's body! He and I will soon be out from the middle of the storm!!
Lord, You've been with me and my family throughout this past year. Please hold me and Erik over these next few days and help our trust in You to be deepened as we see You manifest in our lives.
It helps to write out prayers for me some times. :-) Anyhoo, I'll try to post something soon after the surgery. I will have updates on facebook as well (or at least that's the plan). It will go supernaturally well.
Okay, off to finish out my day!
Friday, March 19, 2010
me in a movie?
So I had a super interesting day yesterday. I decided to take my office mobile and go to the set of a movie filming in Minneapolis (near the MOA) and be a movie extra! I've always been interested in the "behind-the-scenes" aspect of pretty much anything related to movies, music, TV, theater... not sure why, I simply find it fascinating.
I heard about a movie that was filming with some relatively well-known actors and that they were looking for extras. I figured, hey! I've always wanted to see what a movie set looks like, so why not go? And it was a loooooooong day, but I was super glad I did it and had a bunch of fun being there. :) They prepared us for a long day of "hurry up and wait" and it was exactly that, but it was worth it to be able to go to "hair and make-up" and go to "wardrobe" (they didn't start from scratch, just improved what you already had!) and watch the production assistants run around dealing with the changes that were constantly coming from the movie set.
We (the extras) got to peek in on one scene while we were eating (it was filming down the hall from where we were) and then I was a part of the banquet scene. They warn you that you probably won't make it on camera and if you do, it may eventually get cut, so don't plan on it happening. I was probably off camera and won't be in the scene, but it was a blast to be a part of it. :)
Oh and I don't know much about the movie; it's about a guy hunting for a rare violin or something like that. The part I was in was in a hotel. Since I'm pretty careful about the movies I see, I may not even go see it when it does come out! But if I do see it, I'll be able to say, "I talked to that girl" or "I remember her!" or "He sat at my table!"
On a completely different note, Erik is going in for surgery on March 31st. It's a low-risk heart surgery called an ablation where they will go in an burn the ends of some of the veins that are going into the top of his heart. That will cause the electrical currents to stop coming through them and tripping his heart into an irregular heartbeat. It will be a morning surgery, he'll be in the hospital overnight, and recovery will happen over the next few days. It will take a couple months for his heart to fully feel the effects of the surgery, but his body will recover quickly. He'll be back to work that Monday. (the surgery is on a Wed)
Ideally, this will completely stop the irregular heartbeats he sometimes get and it will stop his stress that he'll go into an irregular heartbeat... and who knows what else it will solve! I'd appreciate prayers for Erik and I to have peace as we walk through this and hope that this will be the solution to the variety of health problems he's been facing. And if it doesn't quite naturally solve everything, that it will bite off a good chunk of them and bring Erik the hope of "a light at the end of the tunnel." It's going to be a good thing. Oh and he said I'll be posting facebook updates throughout the day on his facebook so you'll probably be hearing from me throughout the day. Especially since I'll get to wait for four plus hours as the surgery gets done... I'll have some time to do something. My parents will be there and Erik's family as well.
I "discovered" a few interesting things recently: first of all, I don't want to ever use Brian as a crutch for how I live my life-particularly as time goes on. For example, three years down the road, I don't want to be saying, "Well, I can't do that because my brother died" or "You should feel sorry for me because my brother died." I'm glad I realized that now because I can make a point to keep healing and working through the various thoughts I have regarding that.
My second thought I discovered: the biggest healing right now for me (and maybe other people in my family? I'm not sure) is learning how to trust prayer again. I know the right answer of course, but after seeing so much prayer go up for Brian and not seeing them get answered like we thought they should, it's hard to understand. I don't have the answer and I know no one does. All I can do is ask for God's help in restoring my mental trust in the whole process of prayer. I'm pretty sure my heart trust is there, but my mind is speaking pretty loudly about it. It will come, I know, but that's a hurdle right now.
For some reason, it helps to "confess" that or simply write about it. It's really a God-thing that right now the song "Healer" is playing in the background.... :-) Heh heh just a reminder that God is amazing.
Well, dinner's on the grill, Erik's figuring out stuff for the first wedding he's performing (yay!!), and Tuck is getting some shut-eye. Love and hugs~ thanks for your support. :-)
I heard about a movie that was filming with some relatively well-known actors and that they were looking for extras. I figured, hey! I've always wanted to see what a movie set looks like, so why not go? And it was a loooooooong day, but I was super glad I did it and had a bunch of fun being there. :) They prepared us for a long day of "hurry up and wait" and it was exactly that, but it was worth it to be able to go to "hair and make-up" and go to "wardrobe" (they didn't start from scratch, just improved what you already had!) and watch the production assistants run around dealing with the changes that were constantly coming from the movie set.
We (the extras) got to peek in on one scene while we were eating (it was filming down the hall from where we were) and then I was a part of the banquet scene. They warn you that you probably won't make it on camera and if you do, it may eventually get cut, so don't plan on it happening. I was probably off camera and won't be in the scene, but it was a blast to be a part of it. :)
Oh and I don't know much about the movie; it's about a guy hunting for a rare violin or something like that. The part I was in was in a hotel. Since I'm pretty careful about the movies I see, I may not even go see it when it does come out! But if I do see it, I'll be able to say, "I talked to that girl" or "I remember her!" or "He sat at my table!"
On a completely different note, Erik is going in for surgery on March 31st. It's a low-risk heart surgery called an ablation where they will go in an burn the ends of some of the veins that are going into the top of his heart. That will cause the electrical currents to stop coming through them and tripping his heart into an irregular heartbeat. It will be a morning surgery, he'll be in the hospital overnight, and recovery will happen over the next few days. It will take a couple months for his heart to fully feel the effects of the surgery, but his body will recover quickly. He'll be back to work that Monday. (the surgery is on a Wed)
Ideally, this will completely stop the irregular heartbeats he sometimes get and it will stop his stress that he'll go into an irregular heartbeat... and who knows what else it will solve! I'd appreciate prayers for Erik and I to have peace as we walk through this and hope that this will be the solution to the variety of health problems he's been facing. And if it doesn't quite naturally solve everything, that it will bite off a good chunk of them and bring Erik the hope of "a light at the end of the tunnel." It's going to be a good thing. Oh and he said I'll be posting facebook updates throughout the day on his facebook so you'll probably be hearing from me throughout the day. Especially since I'll get to wait for four plus hours as the surgery gets done... I'll have some time to do something. My parents will be there and Erik's family as well.
I "discovered" a few interesting things recently: first of all, I don't want to ever use Brian as a crutch for how I live my life-particularly as time goes on. For example, three years down the road, I don't want to be saying, "Well, I can't do that because my brother died" or "You should feel sorry for me because my brother died." I'm glad I realized that now because I can make a point to keep healing and working through the various thoughts I have regarding that.
My second thought I discovered: the biggest healing right now for me (and maybe other people in my family? I'm not sure) is learning how to trust prayer again. I know the right answer of course, but after seeing so much prayer go up for Brian and not seeing them get answered like we thought they should, it's hard to understand. I don't have the answer and I know no one does. All I can do is ask for God's help in restoring my mental trust in the whole process of prayer. I'm pretty sure my heart trust is there, but my mind is speaking pretty loudly about it. It will come, I know, but that's a hurdle right now.
For some reason, it helps to "confess" that or simply write about it. It's really a God-thing that right now the song "Healer" is playing in the background.... :-) Heh heh just a reminder that God is amazing.
Well, dinner's on the grill, Erik's figuring out stuff for the first wedding he's performing (yay!!), and Tuck is getting some shut-eye. Love and hugs~ thanks for your support. :-)
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