I feel like I'm walking a balance beam and I keep falling off. Right when I feel like I'm back on it, I get pulled down into the other side.
One moment, I see Brian and how much hurt he is in and realize he's not in a good place right now. Something needs to change; this can't go on forever.
The next moment, I'm in a prayer meeting that is very victorious and praying about light and reversal of situations, and I'm seeing the victory. In my heart, I'm doing a victory dance because I'm seeing Brian become miraculously healed.
The next moment, my family has a question for me about what I'd do in a certain situation if Brian went home to be with the Lord. It threw me off the beam the other way as I tried to prepare myself for that option again.
Nothing seems real except my family's pain and it's hard to know what to do.
Right now I'm squeezing a teddy bear Erik gave me when we found out cancer reappeared in Brian's body last fall. And crying. Wishing it would all stop.